I had a sudden wake-up at 3:33 a.m. I don’t know the reason why. When I was back to the real world from dream world, lots of tears kept on falling down on my cheeks. I cried and cried. I could not stop crying for hours. I tried to get some more sleep until morning. I don’t remember exactly what time I finally fall back to sleep. I was extremely tired from crying and fell asleep from exhaustion.
I re-woke up at 7 a.m. I instantly noticed of my severe headache and nausea. I got out from the futon mattress and stood up. I felt dizzy and almost fell back down on the floor.
I took some deep relaxing breaths to calm myself down. In the bathroom, I notice my period has come. That makes sense of feeling dizzy. My headache and nausea were probably due to my crying of last night and not to mention, all the stresses that I had felt in this visit.
I went back to bathroom and threw up. No food came out. I threw up nothing but clear-colored water.
When my mom came down to the living room, I mentioned her about my feeling sick. She felt sorry for me feeling sick. She told me stay in bed for a while.
***
At 8 a.m., the new house helper arrived at home. Today’s helper was different from the previous one. Previously only one helper would come 5 days a week; Mondays through Fridays. Now that my mom needs much more help than before, my parents recently started hiring one more helper so that they can cover all days of the week.
So, now the two helpers’ work shift is like this. One comes on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, and the other one comes on Thursdays and Sundays. On every Mondays and Thursdays, the helpers come to my parents’ house slightly before 8 a.m. for taking out trash to the designated place. The local City is very strict on the regulation of taking out trash. It regulates certain days and time for citizens to take out their trash.
I went out to the living room to greet to the new helper. She was different type from the other one. While the first helper works quickly and efficiently, the second helper works not as quickly nor efficiently as the first one. I am fine with both of them as long as they support my parents sincerely. I like them both helpers.
I introduced myself to the new helper. I also mentioned about my feeling sick. Then I went back to the futon mattress and had one hour nap. After the short nap, I recovered my health. I felt much better than the early morning.
***
At 11 a.m., my mom had an appointment with a nurse. The nurse was a petite young woman. She performed a medical checkup for my mom. When the nurse listened to my mom’s bowel by a stethoscope, she asked my mom if she had good appetite back recently. My mom happily told the nurse that owes me a lot through my healthy homemade food. The nurse told us her with her beautiful smile that my mom’s bowel was moving and working healthily today. She said it never happened to my mom for these past two months. She was happy for my mom that her appetite came back. I was happy to hear that.
After the checkup, the nurse whispered to me if she could talk to me in a different room in person. I whispered to her yes. The nurse got my parents’ permission to see the other room where my mom usually takes a nap in the day time. Then the nurse asked me to show it to her.
When we entered to the other room and shut the door, the nurse grabbed my both hands and started shedding tears. I shed tears too.
She was a pure and thoughtful person. She said my mom has already entered at the last stage of cancer. My mom will get weaker and weaker day by day. She wants to support my mom as much as she can, but in order to do that, she needs approval and support from her family. She said she works for the hospital where my mom’s doctor works. She said she wants me to see the doctor and discuss the best way for my mom. We exchanged LINE address. She said she would arrange a meeting with the care manager who will be assigned for my mom. Then, both of us wiped off our tears from our cheeks and went out from the room. She greeted my parents and left our house, whispering me she would contact me soon.
***
After lunch, my mom asked me to take her to the local bank. This bank is located very close to my parents’ house. If I were alone, I would have walked there within 10 minutes. However, since my mom could not walk at all, we called a taxi to get there. My mom needed to pick up some items from the safety deposit box.
Luckily at this bank, unlike the credit union that we visited two days ago, the procedure to access to the safety deposit box was very simple. We didn’t need to wait in line to talk to the teller. We just went straight to the room and opened the room door with the specified card. When we entered in the private room, we used the card again and typed the box number. The deposit box automatically came out from the table. My mom opened the box with the key. This chore was done much quicker than I thought.
***
When we came back home, even before we opened the entrance door, we could smell the cigarettes. Obviously my dad smoked many cigarettes while we were gone in the living room on the first floor. When we entered in the entrance hall, the smell was really bad that we could not breeze normally.
My mom was feeling sick, so she went directly the room to sleep on the futon mattress. After I saw my mom fall asleep, I quietly closed the room door.
***
Then I went to my dad and got after him. All my anger toward my dad exploded.
My mom had an acute myocardial infarction in 2018 and a big surgery on her heart. The surgeon implanted some stents. The doctor told my mom to stay away from second smoking. The doctor also told my dad to completely stop smoking for her. Didn’t my dad agree with my mom on not to smoke on the first floor? Why he can’t keep his promise? Why does my dad still stubbornly smoke? It is a life or death situation for his precious wife. What is wrong with this man?
I yelled at my dad for all of those. My dad yelled back at me at the top of his lungs. He insisted his smoking is nothing to do with my mom’s bad health condition. No matter how hard I tried to talk to my dad in the soul level, my dad would not listen to me at all. I felt myself powerless.
I stayed outside of the house; in the front yard. I took off my socks and put my bare feet on the ground. I earthed myself for a while to calm myself down.
***
Earlier of today, I received a LINE phone call from the nurse. She wanted me to come to the care manager’s office at 3 p.m., so that we can discuss about my mom without my dad. She knew my dad would disturb anything in any ways.
I told my mom about our secret meeting. She knew very well about my dad being difficult, so she agreed with me to go there alone. My dad was nosy. Right before I left the house, he asked me where I was going and with whom I would meet. I just told my dad that I would meet my friend.
We had another appointment on that evening at 5 p.m. It was the male representative who deals with nursing-care products. He was coming to my parents’ house for two reasons. First reason was for my mom. My mom wanted to move the position of the handrail which was installed yesterday from her right to left. Second reason was for my dad. My dad wanted to change the bank account of withdrawal from the one he signed yesterday to a different one.
I told my mom about the male representative’s appointment at 5 p.m. In case I am late for the appointment time, my mom and dad can deal with him, because he was coming for them. He doesn’t need me for this appointment. My mom understood what I said.
***
I went to our secret meeting. The care manager’s office was near my parents’ house. It was just a 10-minute walk away. At 3 p.m., three of us; the care manager, and the nurse, and myself, gathered and started our meeting about my mom.
The nurse took a lead and started talking. My mom is at the last stage of her life. Her health would not get dramatically well from this stage. With that in mind, we have to discuss the best option for her. It is critical to hear the patient’s desire. My mom does not want to take any more medical treatments. The nurse agrees with my mom’s desire. She and the doctor believe no medical treatments will make my mom’s situation better. Besides, any medical harsh treatments such as chemotherapy and hyperthermia will take away her physical strength which is already at very low. We discussed about three options.
The first option is a mitigation measure to improve my mom’s current situation. My mom has been suffering from constipation for many days, which is draining her vital energy. With one night hospitalization, the doctor can temporary improve the situation, and this treatment will make my mom’s pain will be slightly calmed down. However, this is just a temporary measure and does not change the situation to any better.
The second option is to hospitalize at hospice for terminally ill patients. In this hospice care, the patients will not get any harsh medical treatments. They will freely live in the hospice room. In case of urgent needs, the doctor and nurse can give the patients some type of pain relief measures. The nurse believes this option is the best option for my mom due to the current condition. She knows about my dad very well by now. He constantly accuses my mom for not taking chemotherapy anymore. He frequently says negative words to my mom. He still smokes inside the house, which is definitely bad for my mom’s weak body. He still orders my mom to do some chores for him. When something happens to my mom; for example when she falls down to floor, my dad won’t be able to be any help for her.
The third and last option for my mom is to spend her final days peacefully at home. I know this is what my mom desires the most. For this option, my parents definitely need to hire more people at their home. Eventually they will need somebody to stay at their house 24/7, and it will cost them a huge amount of money.
The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor in person. Also, the nurse wanted to get more support from my brother. She never met nor spoke to my brother in person until this time. The nurse talked with the doctor on the phone and asked him to make some time to meet me, possibly on Friday night after he gets off from work at hospital. The doctor told the nurse that he would call her back. After they hang up the phone we needed to wait good for 10 minutes or so.
The doctor called the nurse back and told he could not make the time for me. Then, a couple of minutes later, the nurse received a phone call from my brother. While on the phone, I barely heard the nurse’s speaking. All she said on the phone was “Yes…” “I know that, but…” “Yes, I understand that.” Her voice stayed calm and polite all the time, but I noticed her both hands started shaking. I knew something was going bad.
After the nurse finished talking with my brother on the phone, she looked very sad and shocked. She turned to me and started talking to me. This time, not only her both hands but also all over her body were shaking very hard. With shocked and bewildered voice, she told me like this.
She had hoped to receive kind supports from my brother. She had hoped my brother would improve the situation for my mom. She had hoped my brother would be the right person to discuss the best option for my mom. However, she found out my brother was very similar to my dad. They are so stubborn on their opinions. My brother warned to the nurse in his cruel and strong voice tone that he was in charge of deciding everything about our mom. My brother and my mom’s doctor used to be the classmates in high school and they have been friends since then. The doctor cannot do anything without my brother’s approval. In this case, my brother does not think the doctor should meet me because I don’t live in Japan. So, my brother ordered his friend; the doctor not to make any time to meet me. Also, my brother ordered the doctor to shut the nurse up. After the nurse told me all of these, she started crying out loud. I could not hold my tears neither. We held each other tightly and cried for a while. Both of us felt sad. We felt ourselves as useless.
One of the coworkers of the care manager knocked the meeting room door. She said my mom called to their office. The worker said my mom sounded furious at me on the phone. My mom wanted me to come back home right away.
It was already past 5 p.m. Three of us decided to end our meeting. We all agreed that we would support my mom’s desire, which is to spend her final days at home. I will need my dad’s approval to hire more helpers and nurses to cover the current vacant time such as in the evening and night for my mom.
***
When I arrived at home, the male representative of nursing-care products was already at my parents’ house. When I entered in the living room greeting to the male representative with a smile, I instantly felt the cold air in the room.
Both of my parents were furious at me. To my surprise, my mom yelled at me for coming back late for the appointment. I didn’t understand the situation quickly. Before I left, I told my mom they don’t need to wait for me because he would come for my mom and my dad. I am nothing to do with this appointment. Obviously however, my mom seemed to forget about what I said earlier. I knew though, it was from my mom’s sickness. I held my mom and apologized to my mom. I also sincerely apologized to the male representative for everything.
I figured out what happened to him while they were waiting for me. My parents were mad at him for deciding everything without their approval. They yelled at him and tried to chase him out. When I came back. My parents’ anger switched from him to me. They blamed my being late for the appointment. Both of them totally forgot about the fact. He came based on their request, and they didn’t need to wait for me for the procedure.
He completely understood the situation. He gave me a warm smile at me and told me not to worry. Then the male representative left my parents’ house. When I went outside of the house to open the entrance gate for him. I apologized him again for my parents’ rude attitude. I looked at his face. I saw his eyes with tears. He told me not to worry about him. He also said he fully understood the situation. We didn’t hug each other, but we both felt we completely understood each other. I could feel his sincere heart by his warm energy.
***
After the male representative left, I helped my mom for taking a bath. My mom definitely needs support for taking a bath. She cannot get in and out all by herself. After her bath, I prepared dinner for my parents.
***
Before both of my parents went upstairs to sleep, I asked my dad about hiring more helpers for my mom during evening and night, as she needs support for taking a bath and preparing for dinner. My dad got mad and started yelling at me. He insisted he would decide everting all by himself and he does not need any of my suggestions or opinions. He told me in his cussing words to shut off. He was yelling at the top of his lungs. He was about to approach me to grab me. I thought he was planning to punch me. I was able to avoid his approaching, but it was shocking. I was at the place where I almost completely lost trust to my parents. I wanted to leave this place right away. But I didn’t do so. I still love them from my heart.
***
I was completely exhausted mentally and physically. Everything I have experienced and witnessed during this visit was too tough for me to handle.
How can I touch to my dad in the soul level? How can I be help for my parents? I am doing my best, but it seems I will be never enough for them. My dear spirits and angels, please help me. Please let me be my parents’ help.
three wisdom 