When I think of my brother, I feel sad.
My brother and I are not close. We haven’t contacted each other for these 20 years.
At mom’s departure notice, my brother talked to me about the last moment when he saw my mom. I had not talked with my brother for 20 years or so. Even the conversation was just 2 minutes or so, I was happy that I finally could talk with my brother normally after 20 years’ no-conversation.
I heard from my cousin that my brother helped my dad for my mom’s wake and funeral. At the wake somebody has to stay one night with the body at the funeral hall. My brother was the one who did so. I felt sorry for my brother that I was not there with him. I wanted to say thank-you to my brother. And I wanted to say sorry to my brother for not being there with him.
I don’t have my brother’s email address. I have his cell phone number but I don’t want to bother him by my sudden phone call. I was hoping my brother and I could have time to exchange our email addresses or LINE accounts. Even my brother had time to do so, he always ignored me while I was at my parent’s house.
Now the situation has changed. If something happens to my dad, my brother has to contact me. So, I definitely wanted to exchange our contact information with my brother.
My only way to ask his email address was through the contact form of his company. Two days ago, I sent a request to forward my message to my brother.
I haven’t received anything. I try not to think negatively, but always come back to one conclusion. My brother is still the same. He is mad at me for some reasons and refuses to contact me.
I feel sad about my brother.
I never argued with my brother. I still remember our good old days. We grew up like twin brother and sister. We used to be very close. After his marriage, everything changed. We stopped talking to each other.
There are many guesses about the reason why my brother has changed into such a cold-hearted person.
Maybe my brother is sad. He does not seem happy with his marriage. His wife never showed up for my mom. Even at her last moment, she didn’t show up. Only their three children came and said good-by to my mom.
Maybe my brother is jealous of me. I went to America and escape all the tough things. I am stress-free. My brother took over my dad’s company.
My cousin and my brother had a conversation at my mom’s wake. According to my cousin, right after my brother took over my dad’s company, he found out the huge amount of debts at the company. My brother was furious to my dad for not disclosing the fact before taking over the company. My brother sold my dad’s company. Right now even the company name stays the same, it is under somebody’s roof. My brother is a hired president. The huge amount of debt was cleared up right now. The company is going good at this moment.
So maybe, my brother completely cut off the connection with me as brother and sister, because he went through all the toughness all by himself. Maybe he hates me for that.
I don’t know the true reason why my brother has changed.
No matter the reasons are, the fact stays. The fact that my brother lost his being warm-hearted. He is now a cold-hearted person.
I concern about my brother.
While I was at my parents’ house, I witnessed two incidents. He would snapped his anger out to my mom.
The first incident was about the tax return document. One of his employees yelled at my brother. The employee claimed there was some mistakes in the document. Right after my brother got yelled by the employee, my brother called my mom and yelled at her about the mistake. My mom said the mistake was made by her. She didn’t create the document. It should be done by a new accountant.
The second incident was about my contact to my mom’s doctor. The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor while I was there. I didn’t know the detailed situation. From the fact the nurse and the doctor work at the same hospital. I considered it might be easy for the doctor to make time to meet me and talk to me about my mom’s situation. The meeting with doctor did not happen. Later on, I didn’t know my brother and my mom’s doctor are friends from the same high school. My brother didn’t like the nurse contacted the doctor. My brother yelled at the nurse and told not to involve me for anything. My brother was in charge of everything about my mom. My brother makes a decision with the doctor. My brother called my mom and yelled at my mom about that, even though my mom was nothing to do with this case. My brother should have talked to me directly, but he didn’t.
It seems my brother used my mom to release his anger for everything.
***
At my mom’s wake, while my brother was talking with my cousin, my brother expressed his anger toward my dad. My brother believes it was my dad who shorten my mom’s life. My brother believes my mom died from too much stress of dealing with my dad.
From my witnesses, my brother was also using my mom to release his anger.
All in all, I am happy for my mom to stay away from all the stresses. And I am happy for myself to stay away from all the stresses.
I guess I should forget about my brother. I should stop hoping my brother will be back to his original personality, being nice and kind in his childhood days. His current personality, being cold-hearted, might be his original personality.
I should stop expecting my brother and his wife. My concept of “normal” is my brother contacting with me just like a normal brother-sister relationship and his wife taking care of my parents just like a normal in-laws relationship. I should fully understand my normal is not same as their normal. Yes, very sad, but I need to face the reality.
***
In the evening I called my dad. When he heard my voice, he sounded very happy. I should keep calling him more often.
Even though he was happy to talk to me, he said he feels lonely and lost. Before my mom passed away, my dad always told me he wanted to live longer, up to 100 years old. Today he said differently. He said now that my mom is gone, he is not interested in living longer anymore. He told me he wants to go to my mom’s place as soon as possible. His statement made me sad, but I understand what he means. Even though my parents often argued, they loved each other deep inside.
I know one thing. My dad have a strong sense of responsibility. He won’t go until he finishes all the chores related to my mom’s death. As long as he is busy, he feels energized.
three wisdom 