In my dream my brother visited me. He apologized for not contacting me. He was not mean to be mean to me. He is still overwhelmed by what happened to him. He is still in the process of what he has seen and experienced through our mom’s departure. Right after my mom passed away, the first person my dad called was my brother. He saw my mom’s freshly dead body. It was his very first time to see it. He saw the body emitting liquid. He stayed with our mom’s body all night at the funeral hall. He witnessed the funeral and the cremated ashes. He believes our mom passed away earlier than she was supposed to. She passed away early from extreme stress about our dad. He still fights with his inner anger toward our dad.

Everything was too much for my brother. He still needs more time to calm himself.

***

When I woke up, I still vividly remembered the details about my brother’s visit. I fully understand how he feels. I appreciate my mom supported me for not witnessing all the things that my brother needed to witness.

My brother’s visit in my dream was the answer to my question.

I appreciate my family spirits to allow me for this happened. I trust my spiritual gift that I can see things through my dream.

It was a nice sunny day.

I noticed one thing. When I am in a deep relaxation, I feel my mom’s existence beside me. Such deep relaxation moments include the moment of right before I fall asleep, the moment I am soaking myself in a nice hot temperature tub with my daughter, and the moment I am hanging laundry in the nice sunny day in the backyard. I feel my mom is enjoying the relaxation moment with me. I am happy that I can share my relaxation moments with my mom. She deserves to feel happiness and calmness.

***

At the end of February, when I talked with my cousin, he mentioned about their serious issue of lacking toilet papers. At that time I didn’t think it seriously. I thought the same issue would happen in America. Now, two weeks later, I finally realized the serious issue happening all over the world. In our neighbor stores such as Sam’s club, Walmart, Safeway, Target, and Fry’s Food, their racks of toilet tissues are all empty.

As many people commented, I never thought I would experience this serious situation. We are facing at the same serious situation of toilet tissue shortage during the global oil crisis of 1973.

In Japan people started posting there are plenty of toilet tissues available. In Aeon group, as of March 5^th, they started selling it up to 10 per customer.

In my dream, I knew two people. I thought these two people would become good friends, so I set up an opportunity for them to meet each other. Later on I found out these two did not get along. They both got mad at me for setting up their meeting. I regret I took any actions for them. I did it thinking it would make things better, but it actually backfired.

Before I did anything, I still laid in bed and pondered the meaning of the dream.

It might be a message for me about the inheritance. My family spirits want me to just lay back, relax, and watch what it will happen next. Instead of calling my dad often and asking him about the inheritance, I should give him a sacred distance for him so that he will get calm and think the best way not only for him but also for my brother and me.

Now I total get it the reason why my family spirits showed me this dream.

I trust my family spirits and angels to work well for me. I should not force anything to happen. Things will proceed as they should. All I can do is sit back and trust.

***

This morning I had a regular dental cleaning. The dentist and hygienist praised me for my good work in my teeth.

***

I went to a hair salon and had a haircut. The last time of my hair cut by a professional was December 2018. Since then, I started let my hair bangs grow. I had enjoyed my hair without bangs for more than one year. Now I wanted to change my appearance. I asked the hair to make my hair bangs around my eye brows.

I like my new hair style with bangs.

My daughter and her friend were planning to have a playdate at our house this evening.

I was busy cleaning and organizing our house in the morning. It is good to have some visitors from time to time, as it motivates us to keep our house clean and being organized. It was fun for me to prepare some snack for them.

While I was cooking dinner, I happily heard the girls’ laughing. The kids’ laughter is always wonderful to hear.

It was a quiet and peaceful day.

I read a book マンガでわかる「いつも誰かに振り回される」が一瞬で変わる方法 written by 森下 えみこ (著), 大嶋 信頼  (著).

It was a pretty good book. The author is a counselor who studied phycology at the university in America.

I learned a lot from this book.

The author explains our negative emotions by using the term “mirror neuron.” Our brains sense others’ feeling and emotions so that we get affected by others.

He introduces some mantras when we encounter situations where we take negative energy that belong to others. The mantras are helpful to protect ourselves by recognizing the negative energy does not belong to us. He writes and explains from his knowledge of psychology, but everything applies to the knowledge of spirituality. “Mirror neuron” corresponds to “empath.” His “mantra” technique corresponds to “raising our vibration” technique and “having a sacred boundary” technique.

I wrote down all the mantras in my notebook. I am going to use the mantras in my daily life.

Today is my 50^th birthday.

I woke up feeling good. I know my mom cerebrated my birthday in my dream.

When I was awake, the first thing I received was a warm hug and kiss from my daughter cerebrating my birthday. When I went to kitchen, my husband did the same thing as my daughter. He gave me a warm hug and kiss, and a birthday wish.

Right before I saw my daughter off at the school bus stop, she told me a message from my mom. My mom will visit me to cerebrate my birthday and spend good time with me today.

When I came back home from the bus stop, I took a look of my cell phone. I noticed one unusual text message.

The message sender was my old friend. She is around my mom’s age. In fact she is just one year younger than my mom. She sent me a warmhearted birthday wish. It was sent at 6 a.m. this morning.

It was unusual because we haven’t keep in touch for these two of years. The last time we talked on the phone was two years ago. She mentioned her getting injured and being sick. I used to call her “my mother on this land.” I feel comfortable being around her. I feel she had been once my mom in one of my past lives.

I am sure my mom contacted her to send me a birthday wish.

***

I also received a warmhearted birthday wish from my life-long friend.

Every year, I used to receive a birthday wish from my mom and my life-long friend. These two people never forgot sending me a birthday wish for many, many years. This year my mom couldn’t do it by herself, so she contacted my old friend to send it to me.

***

My life-long friend feels my mom is visiting me on my birthday. On my 50^th birthday my mom can snuggle up with me and send her love to me the most in my life. My mom is happy for doing so right now.

I am happy for my mom too. She is now finally fully relaxed. She is stress-free and completely happy.

***

On my 50^th birthday, I want to make a wish.

I want to cherish every moment; every minute and every second, to be here on this earth. I appreciate my husband and daughter to be my precious family. I appreciate my life-long friend to be my friend and live the same time with me. I want to live my remainder life of 30 to 40 years to stay being healthy and active, and happy no matter what. I appreciate my spirits and angels and ancestors to watch over me. I will bring lots of experiences and my stories when my time has come to go back there. Until then, I will fully enjoy being here on the Earth.

I watched the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. The story is based on the true story of a real-life friendship between Fred Rogers and journalist Lloyd Vogel.

It was a great movie. I got emotional because I just had a similar experience as Lloyd.

Lloyd had hated his father from what his dad had done to him. Luckily for him he could see his dad before he passed away. His dad’s sickness brought the family back together.

One scene of this movie was a timely topic for me. When Lloyd and his family gathered around his dying dad, Mr. Rogers visited the grieving family and told them like this.

“Death is part of being human.”

“Anything Mentionable Is Manageable” Quoted from the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

I feel I was guided to watch this movie. I actually feel it was my mom who guided me to this movie. Mr. Rogers’s words was what I needed to hear at this moment.

***

In the evening I made two phone calls to Japan.

The first call was to the City Hall in my hometown in Japan, regarding how I can request an official document of 戸籍謄本; Certificate of Family Register I called my dad. On our last conversation of yesterday, he asked me to send him some 戸籍謄本. The city hall representative sounded like a young woman. She was informative and helpful.

First, she suggested me to contact the place of submission. There are some different types of the forms. I should make sure the purpose and exact name of the forms, and the required quantity to avoid any possible mistake in the document form.

Second, the representative suggested me to ask my family to request the form on behalf of me. The procedure of requesting the document from a foreign country takes many days. I can request the form from a foreign country, but I cannot request the City Hall to send the documents to my dad’s house. The city hall can send the documents back to the sender only. So in my case, I will need to send the request form to the City Hall in Japan first. The City hall will send the document to me in America. Then, I will need to send them to my dad in Japan. A letter usually takes 10 days to be delivered via air mail. So, it will take 30 days for us to deliver the documents to my dad.

After I finished the phone call with the City Hall, I called my dad.

I relayed the information that I got from the City Hall to my dad. He said he will ask his accountant.

My dad’s next sentences terrified me.

He said he needs the documents because I will need to sign the official document to discard my mom’s inheritance. My dad will take the inheritance from my mom all to himself without sharing with my brother and me. By law my dad is qualified to receive 50% and my brother and I are qualified to receive 25% each. Previously my dad never asked me to discard my inheritance right. However, today he asked me to discard my right.

My dad told me another shocking news. He already spent more than $100,000 for my mom’s death, including a tomb, a 戒名, a funeral service, and a set of Buddhism ceremonies.

I didn’t say anything to my dad. I said all the nice words to my dad and hung up the phone.

After I put my phone down, I lost my words for a while. I was shocked.

I thought my dad as a person of full of responsivity and fair. I was shocked he decided to take my mom’s inheritance all to himself instead of sharing with family.

My mom would not like everything my dad did for my mom’s death. She wanted to make everything as minimum. She wanted to be kept her ashes in her favorite temple for the first 10 years and discard after that. She didn’t want to be buried at the graveyard. She is probably shocked to know the huge amount that had spent for my mom’s death.

I need to know my best answer about the inheritance. I want to receive the 25% as my birthright. I know my mom wants me and my brother to receive the 25%. But how can I tell my dad without making him mad?

Maybe Mr. Rogers’s words can be applied to this situation. “Anything Mentionable Is Manageable.” All I need to have is wisdom to talk calmly and nicely to my dad.

Our car had a recall for two repairs; the passenger side front air bag ODS sensor mat harness and the rear coil.

They requested us to give them a full day to fix it. We dropped off our car yesterday morning and picked it up this morning.

***

In the evening I called my dad.

I didn’t know the details about Buddhism way. I learned it from my dad.

He told me 初七日（しょなのか） ceremony was done on the funeral day. This evening at 3 p.m., the monk will come to his house for 二七日（ふたなのか）ceremony. On April 12th, they will have 四十九日法要. Until the 49^th day ceremony, the family are supposed to stay quiet. This is the term for the family to moan and pray for the passed away soul, so that the passed one can go to the higher place.

When I think of my brother, I feel sad.

My brother and I are not close. We haven’t contacted each other for these 20 years.

At mom’s departure notice, my brother talked to me about the last moment when he saw my mom. I had not talked with my brother for 20 years or so. Even the conversation was just 2 minutes or so, I was happy that I finally could talk with my brother normally after 20 years’ no-conversation.

I heard from my cousin that my brother helped my dad for my mom’s wake and funeral. At the wake somebody has to stay one night with the body at the funeral hall. My brother was the one who did so. I felt sorry for my brother that I was not there with him. I wanted to say thank-you to my brother. And I wanted to say sorry to my brother for not being there with him.

I don’t have my brother’s email address. I have his cell phone number but I don’t want to bother him by my sudden phone call. I was hoping my brother and I could have time to exchange our email addresses or LINE accounts. Even my brother had time to do so, he always ignored me while I was at my parent’s house.

Now the situation has changed. If something happens to my dad, my brother has to contact me. So, I definitely wanted to exchange our contact information with my brother.

My only way to ask his email address was through the contact form of his company. Two days ago, I sent a request to forward my message to my brother.

I haven’t received anything. I try not to think negatively, but always come back to one conclusion. My brother is still the same. He is mad at me for some reasons and refuses to contact me.

I feel sad about my brother.

I never argued with my brother. I still remember our good old days. We grew up like twin brother and sister. We used to be very close. After his marriage, everything changed. We stopped talking to each other.

There are many guesses about the reason why my brother has changed into such a cold-hearted person.

Maybe my brother is sad. He does not seem happy with his marriage. His wife never showed up for my mom. Even at her last moment, she didn’t show up. Only their three children came and said good-by to my mom.

Maybe my brother is jealous of me. I went to America and escape all the tough things. I am stress-free. My brother took over my dad’s company.

My cousin and my brother had a conversation at my mom’s wake. According to my cousin, right after my brother took over my dad’s company, he found out the huge amount of debts at the company. My brother was furious to my dad for not disclosing the fact before taking over the company. My brother sold my dad’s company. Right now even the company name stays the same, it is under somebody’s roof. My brother is a hired president. The huge amount of debt was cleared up right now. The company is going good at this moment.

So maybe, my brother completely cut off the connection with me as brother and sister, because he went through all the toughness all by himself. Maybe he hates me for that.

I don’t know the true reason why my brother has changed.

No matter the reasons are, the fact stays. The fact that my brother lost his being warm-hearted. He is now a cold-hearted person.

I concern about my brother.

While I was at my parents’ house, I witnessed two incidents. He would snapped his anger out to my mom.

The first incident was about the tax return document. One of his employees yelled at my brother. The employee claimed there was some mistakes in the document. Right after my brother got yelled by the employee, my brother called my mom and yelled at her about the mistake. My mom said the mistake was made by her. She didn’t create the document. It should be done by a new accountant.

The second incident was about my contact to my mom’s doctor. The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor while I was there. I didn’t know the detailed situation. From the fact the nurse and the doctor work at the same hospital. I considered it might be easy for the doctor to make time to meet me and talk to me about my mom’s situation. The meeting with doctor did not happen. Later on, I didn’t know my brother and my mom’s doctor are friends from the same high school. My brother didn’t like the nurse contacted the doctor. My brother yelled at the nurse and told not to involve me for anything. My brother was in charge of everything about my mom. My brother makes a decision with the doctor. My brother called my mom and yelled at my mom about that, even though my mom was nothing to do with this case. My brother should have talked to me directly, but he didn’t.

It seems my brother used my mom to release his anger for everything.

***

At my mom’s wake, while my brother was talking with my cousin, my brother expressed his anger toward my dad. My brother believes it was my dad who shorten my mom’s life. My brother believes my mom died from too much stress of dealing with my dad.

From my witnesses, my brother was also using my mom to release his anger.

All in all, I am happy for my mom to stay away from all the stresses. And I am happy for myself to stay away from all the stresses.

I guess I should forget about my brother. I should stop hoping my brother will be back to his original personality, being nice and kind in his childhood days. His current personality, being cold-hearted, might be his original personality.

I should stop expecting my brother and his wife. My concept of “normal” is my brother contacting with me just like a normal brother-sister relationship and his wife taking care of my parents just like a normal in-laws relationship. I should fully understand my normal is not same as their normal. Yes, very sad, but I need to face the reality.

***

In the evening I called my dad. When he heard my voice, he sounded very happy. I should keep calling him more often.

Even though he was happy to talk to me, he said he feels lonely and lost. Before my mom passed away, my dad always told me he wanted to live longer, up to 100 years old. Today he said differently. He said now that my mom is gone, he is not interested in living longer anymore. He told me he wants to go to my mom’s place as soon as possible. His statement made me sad, but I understand what he means. Even though my parents often argued, they loved each other deep inside.

I know one thing. My dad have a strong sense of responsibility. He won’t go until he finishes all the chores related to my mom’s death. As long as he is busy, he feels energized.

I finished reading a book of cancer survivor. がんになって、止めたこと、やったこと written by 野中 秀訓.

This author was diagnosed as last stage of colon cancer on June 2014. His doctor predicted his remainder life as 12 months. He drastically changed his life style, mainly his diet. One year later his cancer disappeared from the test.

He believes a cancer is one of lifestyle disease, not due to genes run in family. I agree with him. I don’t want to yield into any sickness even doctors say the cause as genes run in family.  

He passed away on December 2019. I am pretty sure his last 5.5 years was filled with great happiness and accomplishments. I appreciate him for sharing his personal experiences.

This book was very informative and helpful for cancer patients and their families. I respect this author.