Our car had a recall for two repairs; the passenger side front air bag ODS sensor mat harness and the rear coil.

They requested us to give them a full day to fix it. We dropped off our car yesterday morning and picked it up this morning.

***

In the evening I called my dad.

I didn’t know the details about Buddhism way. I learned it from my dad.

He told me 初七日（しょなのか） ceremony was done on the funeral day. This evening at 3 p.m., the monk will come to his house for 二七日（ふたなのか）ceremony. On April 12th, they will have 四十九日法要. Until the 49^th day ceremony, the family are supposed to stay quiet. This is the term for the family to moan and pray for the passed away soul, so that the passed one can go to the higher place.

When I think of my brother, I feel sad.

My brother and I are not close. We haven’t contacted each other for these 20 years.

At mom’s departure notice, my brother talked to me about the last moment when he saw my mom. I had not talked with my brother for 20 years or so. Even the conversation was just 2 minutes or so, I was happy that I finally could talk with my brother normally after 20 years’ no-conversation.

I heard from my cousin that my brother helped my dad for my mom’s wake and funeral. At the wake somebody has to stay one night with the body at the funeral hall. My brother was the one who did so. I felt sorry for my brother that I was not there with him. I wanted to say thank-you to my brother. And I wanted to say sorry to my brother for not being there with him.

I don’t have my brother’s email address. I have his cell phone number but I don’t want to bother him by my sudden phone call. I was hoping my brother and I could have time to exchange our email addresses or LINE accounts. Even my brother had time to do so, he always ignored me while I was at my parent’s house.

Now the situation has changed. If something happens to my dad, my brother has to contact me. So, I definitely wanted to exchange our contact information with my brother.

My only way to ask his email address was through the contact form of his company. Two days ago, I sent a request to forward my message to my brother.

I haven’t received anything. I try not to think negatively, but always come back to one conclusion. My brother is still the same. He is mad at me for some reasons and refuses to contact me.

I feel sad about my brother.

I never argued with my brother. I still remember our good old days. We grew up like twin brother and sister. We used to be very close. After his marriage, everything changed. We stopped talking to each other.

There are many guesses about the reason why my brother has changed into such a cold-hearted person.

Maybe my brother is sad. He does not seem happy with his marriage. His wife never showed up for my mom. Even at her last moment, she didn’t show up. Only their three children came and said good-by to my mom.

Maybe my brother is jealous of me. I went to America and escape all the tough things. I am stress-free. My brother took over my dad’s company.

My cousin and my brother had a conversation at my mom’s wake. According to my cousin, right after my brother took over my dad’s company, he found out the huge amount of debts at the company. My brother was furious to my dad for not disclosing the fact before taking over the company. My brother sold my dad’s company. Right now even the company name stays the same, it is under somebody’s roof. My brother is a hired president. The huge amount of debt was cleared up right now. The company is going good at this moment.

So maybe, my brother completely cut off the connection with me as brother and sister, because he went through all the toughness all by himself. Maybe he hates me for that.

I don’t know the true reason why my brother has changed.

No matter the reasons are, the fact stays. The fact that my brother lost his being warm-hearted. He is now a cold-hearted person.

I concern about my brother.

While I was at my parents’ house, I witnessed two incidents. He would snapped his anger out to my mom.

The first incident was about the tax return document. One of his employees yelled at my brother. The employee claimed there was some mistakes in the document. Right after my brother got yelled by the employee, my brother called my mom and yelled at her about the mistake. My mom said the mistake was made by her. She didn’t create the document. It should be done by a new accountant.

The second incident was about my contact to my mom’s doctor. The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor while I was there. I didn’t know the detailed situation. From the fact the nurse and the doctor work at the same hospital. I considered it might be easy for the doctor to make time to meet me and talk to me about my mom’s situation. The meeting with doctor did not happen. Later on, I didn’t know my brother and my mom’s doctor are friends from the same high school. My brother didn’t like the nurse contacted the doctor. My brother yelled at the nurse and told not to involve me for anything. My brother was in charge of everything about my mom. My brother makes a decision with the doctor. My brother called my mom and yelled at my mom about that, even though my mom was nothing to do with this case. My brother should have talked to me directly, but he didn’t.

It seems my brother used my mom to release his anger for everything.

***

At my mom’s wake, while my brother was talking with my cousin, my brother expressed his anger toward my dad. My brother believes it was my dad who shorten my mom’s life. My brother believes my mom died from too much stress of dealing with my dad.

From my witnesses, my brother was also using my mom to release his anger.

All in all, I am happy for my mom to stay away from all the stresses. And I am happy for myself to stay away from all the stresses.

I guess I should forget about my brother. I should stop hoping my brother will be back to his original personality, being nice and kind in his childhood days. His current personality, being cold-hearted, might be his original personality.

I should stop expecting my brother and his wife. My concept of “normal” is my brother contacting with me just like a normal brother-sister relationship and his wife taking care of my parents just like a normal in-laws relationship. I should fully understand my normal is not same as their normal. Yes, very sad, but I need to face the reality.

***

In the evening I called my dad. When he heard my voice, he sounded very happy. I should keep calling him more often.

Even though he was happy to talk to me, he said he feels lonely and lost. Before my mom passed away, my dad always told me he wanted to live longer, up to 100 years old. Today he said differently. He said now that my mom is gone, he is not interested in living longer anymore. He told me he wants to go to my mom’s place as soon as possible. His statement made me sad, but I understand what he means. Even though my parents often argued, they loved each other deep inside.

I know one thing. My dad have a strong sense of responsibility. He won’t go until he finishes all the chores related to my mom’s death. As long as he is busy, he feels energized.

I finished reading a book of cancer survivor. がんになって、止めたこと、やったこと written by 野中 秀訓.

This author was diagnosed as last stage of colon cancer on June 2014. His doctor predicted his remainder life as 12 months. He drastically changed his life style, mainly his diet. One year later his cancer disappeared from the test.

He believes a cancer is one of lifestyle disease, not due to genes run in family. I agree with him. I don’t want to yield into any sickness even doctors say the cause as genes run in family.  

He passed away on December 2019. I am pretty sure his last 5.5 years was filled with great happiness and accomplishments. I appreciate him for sharing his personal experiences.

This book was very informative and helpful for cancer patients and their families. I respect this author.

This morning I woke up with the melody of Ave Maria. I know it was my mom who sent me this melody. This solemn and calm melody is what my mom is feeling right now. I appreciate her to let me know she is totally fine right now.

***

After school, my daughter had a playdate with her classmate. This is her first time to visit her house. When I picked her up, I talked with her friend’s mom. According to her, my daughter was the very first friend that they invited to their house. The mom is very selective to her daughter’s friend.

***

At 6 p.m., I talked with my dad on the phone. Surprisingly he was very calm. My dad mentioned they finished the wake and funeral for my mom, and everything went smoothly. I needed to tell my dad that I cannot go back to Japan at this moment. Before I started, my dad started from his side that I should not come at this moment. Obviously he was different from the last time when we talked. On our last conversation on Sunday, he wanted me to come back as soon as possible, and he asked me to stay there as long as I can. But this time, he said he can wait for me until everything calms down. I was so happy to hear him saying that. At the same time, I can feel his loneliness and sadness and he is missing my mom a lot. I wish I could go back to visit him sooner.

***

At 7 p.m., I joined one of the psychic’s webinar; Shifting with Tuning Forks. I looked forward to this webinar, but in fact, it turned out to be a disappointing. I didn’t feel my energy was shifted or anything.

My family held a funeral for my mom on March 4^th.

I asked my cousin to send me some pictures of the wake and funeral. My dad and brother did a great job for my mom. I think my mom was happy for her wake and funeral.

At the wake night, my brother needed to stay all night with my mom’s body at the funeral hall. My brother asked my cousin to stay until midnight. There, they had a good conversation. My cousin was same as my situation. For close to 20 years, my cousin didn’t talk to my brother. My brother told his story and my cousin understood why my brother had been acting coldhearted to my cousin and me. My brother had been so stressed out from taking over my dad’s company. I am glad my brother finally could release his stress to my cousin. It was my mom who brought my brother back to me and my cousin. Without my mom’s death, we never had time to talk with my brother.   

***

In the late morning right before 11 a.m., I received a phone call from the school nurse at my daughter’s school. My daughter started an allergic reaction. Her eyes got swollen and itchy. Her throat got swollen sot that she had a hard time to breeze. I quickly went to school to pick her up.

The school nurse mentioned about the crazy hair day. In this entire week, the school cerebrates Dr. Seuss’s birthday of March 2^nd. Today was set as a crazy hair day. Many kids came to school with colored hair. The school nurse doubted the hair dye chemical might cause my daughter’s allergic reaction. My husband and I didn’t think it was the cause. We think it might be from pets’ hair on somebody’s clothes.

After my daughter took a shower and a bath, her allergic reaction went away. She spent calm afternoon at home with me.

I woke up feeling good. I don’t remember if my mom visited me in my dream or not. She probably did. All I remember about my dream of this morning was I was camping and having a good time with my many friends.

I cried a lot last night. My eyes are still swollen. I am glad I don’t have any appointments today. I don’t need to see anybody today. I just want to spend my day calm and peaceful.

As of yesterday, the weather report said we would have a rainy all day today. It said an 80 percent chance of rain. As of yesterday evening, the sky was entirely covered by rain clouds.

However, the weather report turned to be wrong. This morning I woke up with nice sunny sun-shine.

While I was hanging our laundry at the backyard, I enjoyed the warm sun light on my back. There was a gentle breezes. The breezes rang somebody’s outside bells. The bells gave off the gentle tones. It sounded as a blessing bell for my mom’s departure.

***

My family held a wake at the night of March 3rd.

In the evening I talked with my cousin and my life-long friend on the phone. Both of them cried for my mom and shared all their memories about my mom.

Listening all the stories about my mom that I never knew was a great comfort for me. I was happy to know my mom had shared all her kindness to my cousin and friend.

I cannot attend the wake and the funeral due to the influence of coronavirus. So, the conversation with my cousin and friend was like a wake for me.

I am thankful to know that my mom was loved by many people. 

***

My cousin and friend told me about the toilet paper issue in Japan. Even in their places where is not widely affected by coronavirus, people are experiencing lacking of toilet papers due to some peoples’ buying-ups. My cousin just delivered one for my parents on last Saturday. My cousin told me when he was visiting my parents on Saturday, my mom was still fine. She could talk normally.

***

In my area, I haven’t seen any goods or foods out of stock in the local stores, and the situation is not that bad as that of Japan. But still, going back to Japan is risky for me.

One of our neighbor just came back from Hawaii where her parents and siblings live. She was quarantined for some days to have the health check for coronavirus. I hope things will calm down soon so that everything will get back to normal.

夕方、いつものように友人と長距離散歩に出かけた。友人との長距離散歩の時は、いつも身軽で行くようにしている。家のカギと携帯電話を自宅に残して出かけていた。

汗だくで自宅に戻って、携帯電話を見ると、父から電話が入っていた。父から電話が入ったのは、今までになかった。母が亡くなったんだとすぐに分かった。

父は目が不自由なのに、母の携帯から私の電話番号を探して電話してきてくれたことに感謝します。

母は昨日、日本時間で2020年3月1日、日曜の夜に、亡くなったらしい。

父と電話で話したあと、父は電話を兄に渡し、私と兄は何年ぶりかにきちんと話をした。兄ときちんと話したいと長年願っていた。亡くなった母が、こうして兄と私の縁をまた紡いでくれたことに感謝している。

二人の話をまとめるとこんな感じだった。

昨夜、母は父と一緒に夕食を食べて、ベッドに入り、二人で話をしていたらしい。母が返事をしなくなったので、母の様子を見てみると、母は既に息を引き取っていた。

兄は両親の家から徒歩で5分ほどの距離に住んでいるので、父はすぐに兄を呼んだ。兄が来た時に、母は既に息を引き取られていたことが確認できた。その後、看護師さんと医師が死亡確認にきた。医師によると、母は窒息による死亡だったらしい。食べたものが喉をうまく通過できず、喉のところで詰まって息ができなくなった。けれども苦しい思いはなく、スムーズに向こうの世界に行けただろうと、医師は告げてくれたらしい。

***

亡くなった時間は午後10時頃。アリゾナ時間の午前6時頃。私はそのときぐっすりと眠っていたので、私は母の魂と夢の中で会えていたと思う。だからなのかもしれない。普段なら朝6時には目覚めるのだが、私は今朝、朝8時までぐっすりと眠っていて、目覚めた後も何となくベッドの中で夢の中での余韻を楽しんでいた。私がようやくベッドから出たのは午前9時を過ぎていた。目覚めた時に何となく清々しい気分だったのを覚えている。日曜でなければ、朝9時までゆっくりとベッドで過ごすことができていなかったので、これも母の配慮だったんだと感じる。

***

死に目に会えなかったことは、本当に悔いがない。先月の私の滞在中、母と死についてしっかり話すことができたからだ。母は死をしっかりと直視していたし、覚悟ができていた。

私は母に、「自分の家で普通に食事をして家族にありがとうと伝えて、自分のベッドで眠るときにおじいちゃんと垂水のおばちゃんと大悟が迎えに行くから、そのまま手を取ってもらって連れていってもらうのが一番良いよ」と、伝えた。母もそのアイデアに同意して、そうすると言ってくれた。だから本当にその通りに、苦しまずスムーズな流れで向こうの世界に行けた。

私の祖父（母のお父さん）のお葬式の時のことも、母に伝えた。祖父の魂が私に、「自分は良い人生だったと満足してるし、今は痛みも苦しみも悔いもなく安全な場所にいるから、おじいちゃんの死を泣かないでほしい。喜んで笑ったほしい」って伝えてくれたことを、母に伝えた。母はこれにも同意してくれて、自分が亡くなった時には喜んで笑ってほしいと、私に頼んでくれた。

だから、お母さん、約束を守るよ。おじいちゃんの時と同じように、お母さんが無事に向こうの世界に旅立てたことを私は喜ぶよ。お母さん、長い人生、大変な人生をお疲れさまでした。やっと抜けれて、楽になったでしょ。この数日間は、自分のお葬式を見届けたり、お世話になった人への挨拶やらで忙しいだろうけど、それが終わったら、しばらくはこの人生での疲れを癒してゆっくり休んでください。

***

父と兄と電話で話したあと、家政婦さんがラインで電話してきてくれた。私に真っ先に伝えようとしてくださったことに感謝します。家政婦さんは、母の最期の様子を話してくれた。着替えは手伝いが必要だったが、それ以外は寝たきりの生活ではなかったらしい。最期まで、自分でしっかりと歩いてトイレに行ったり、朝はベッドから出てリビングルームに出て来たりもしていたらしい。

家政婦さんとの電話の後、私は従兄弟に電話をした。従兄弟は母のことを知らなかったみたいでショックを受けていた。従兄弟は広島に出張に行く途中だと話していたが、何とか都合をつけてお葬式に出てくれるだろうと思う。心優しい人なので、今頃、母のために大粒の涙をたっぷり流してくれていると思う。ありがとう。

お葬式は明後日とのことで、父は私に明日にでも帰ってきてお葬式に出て欲しいと言っていた。父と兄には、お葬式には帰れないことを伝えた。コロナウィルスの警戒態勢なので、すぐには帰国できない。父は不安と寂しさから、私にできるだけ早く帰ってきてほしいと頼んだ。帰りたい気持ちはあるけれど、申し訳ない気持ちもたくさんあるけれど、現状ではどうしても、すぐに帰国しようとは思えない。

***

一連の電話が終わった後、娘と一緒にお風呂に入った。娘は特殊な能力を持って生まれてきている。エンジェルとスピリットたちが視えて、聞こえるのだ。

たくさんのエンジェルたちとスピリットたちが私たちのお風呂場に入ってきたらしい。大悟も新太郎おじいちゃんもとしこおばちゃんも、ふでおばあちゃんもいた。その先頭に、母の姿があった。母は子供のように若返り、元気いっぱいの姿だったらしい。満面の笑顔で、この人生をやっと卒業できたことを嬉しく思っていると伝えてくれた。そして、私が今すぐに日本に行くことに関しては、母を始めとする全員が、「今は行くべきではない」と言っていたそうだ。母は「お父さんのことも、日本の家のことも心配しないで。大丈夫だから。現状が落ち着いてから、日本に行けば良い。今は行くときではない」と伝えてくれた。そう伝え終わると、母と他のエンジェルたちとスピリットたちは、「じゃ、忙しいからもう行くね」と言って、次の瞬間には全員いなくなっていたらしい。きっと、日本の家に行ったんだね。お母さん本人のお葬式の話をしているから、聞き逃すわけにはいかないしね。

忙しい中、メッセージを伝えに来てくれたことに感謝します。お母さん、大悟、としこおばちゃん、新太郎おじいちゃん、ふでおばあちゃん、エンジェルたち、スピリットたち、ありがとうね。

***

これを書いている今、母との楽しかった思い出が走馬灯のようによみがえってくる。きっと母が私に思い出させてくれているんだと思う。

2017年10月の里帰りの時、母はまだ一緒に遊びに行けるほど元気だった。水族園で一緒にイルカショーを見ていたとき、私は急に泣き出してしまった。母とはいつも仲が悪かったし、7年間も音信不通を経験していたから、まさかこんな風に、母と私と娘の女3人で仲良く一緒にイルカショーを見る日が来るなんて想像してなかった。だから単純に嬉しかった。プラネタリウムにも一緒に行った。リクライニングの心地よい椅子で、私と母はショーの間眠ってしまった。娘は1人で起きていて、私と母のいびきを聞いていたらしい。

2019年3月の里帰りの時、母は大分体調が悪かった。母と父と長く一緒に時間を過ごすといつも喧嘩になったり傷つけらるのが怖くて、両親と一緒に過ごしたのはたった2日間だけだった。

2020年1月の里帰りは、私一人で実家に一週間泊まった。この時は母とたくさん過ごす時間が持てた。死についてもしっかり話せたのが良かった。母の裸を見たときはショックだった。痩せていて、おばあちゃんの体になっていたし、手術の後が体中にあった。お父さんのことを心から愛していて心配しているから、何度も死の入口まで行って帰ってきたことを知った。お母さんとしては、お父さんのことを見送ってから逝きたかったんだろう。一緒に垂水の銀行に行ったとき、パン屋さんで好きなパンを選んでいるお母さんの無邪気な笑顔を、まだ鮮明に覚えている。私が作った玄米のおかゆやお味噌汁を、美味しいと言って食べてくれたことを覚えている。私が背中をさすってあげたこと、足をマッサージしてあげたときに、喜んでくれたことを覚えている。そういう楽しかった記憶だけで、母のことをこれからも記憶していきたい。

母は愛し方が分からず、不器用に、母なりのゆがんだ方法で、私のことを心から愛してくれた。そのことに心から感謝しています。

お母さん、本当にお疲れさまでした。ゆっくり休んでください。新太郎おじいちゃんと、ふでおばあちゃん、としこおばちゃんと、かよのおばちゃんと、積もる話もあるよね。大悟とも、いっぱい話をしてください。お母さんが生きている間に、全力でお母さんのことを守っていてくれたスピリットさんたちやエンジェルさんたちとも、積もる話をいっぱい楽しんでください。そして何より、こっちの世界のことは心配しないで。落ち着いたら、お父さんのことを迎えに着てあげてください。

お母さん、本当にいっぱい、ありがとう。一緒に過ごせて楽しかったね。ありがとう。またね。落ち着いたら私の夢の中に遊びに来てね。またいっぱい話そうね。

***

夜8時半には就寝し、眠りについた。泣き疲れていたので、すぐに眠れた。

ふと、目を覚ましたのが22時22分だった。エンジェルがこのメッセージを伝えてくれるために、私を起こしたように感じた。「2222」、「エンジェルメッセージ」のキーワードで検索すると、心に響いたのは、以下の３つのメッセージだった。

「すべては必然」

「自立の時」

「自分を愛し、自分の能力を強く信じる」

とても腑に落ちるメッセージだ。物理的に遠い地であっても、私は母に精神的に頼っていたところが大きい。これからが本当の意味で、私自身が自立し、私が生まれてきた本来の意味と使命を強く信じて、それに向かって邁進するべきだと、強く感じた。残された私の時間は30年ほど。これからの毎日を丁寧に生きていこうと思う。母の死が私に教えてくれたのは、とても大きな強いメッセージだった。これが母から私への最期の贈り物なんだね。お母さん、本当にありがとうね。

After I came back from my recent visit to my parents, I made it my rule to call my mom on every Friday evening, which is their Saturday morning.

I was supposed to call my mom, but yesterday I didn’t do so.

On our last conversation on the phone, my mom made me feel uncomfortable. She mentioned about my appearance; how I look poor and miserable with no-make-up and cheap looking clothes.

I regret that I didn’t. I should have called my mom because it would be our very last conversation. My mom passed away two days later on Sunday evening.

But on my second thought, I know my mom does not mind of my not calling on that day. She is in a safe place right now. She doesn’t want me to regret anything, so I decided not to blame myself for that.

Japanese government decided to close all the schools of elementary schools including junior high schools, and high schools from March 2^nd until the next school year of April.

It was a shocking news. All in my life of 50 years, I never experienced such a long day-off from schools.

Here in America, we still feel peaceful. At least I haven’t experienced the emergency situation such as buying out of foods and goods at stores, like I see in Japanese news.

I hope everything will calm down for everybody soon.

Yesterday we went to see a house for sale of our neighborhood.

I was excited when I saw the property details of this house in the house sale listing.

This house has many factors of my preference as follows.

This house has a big living area of 1,783 sqft.  The entrance door faces to east. The kitchen sink faces to a widow and gets natural sun light. The kitchen and the living room have a natural sun light through a ceiling window.

***

When we actually entered the house, the first thing I noticed was the house condition. The owner was still living there, so there were a whole bunch of items in each room.

We started seeing the backyard. The patio was great. It seemed the owner invested a lot in the patio. It had a spacious asphalted area. The grass area was artificial turf. This is a great benefit for Arizona residence because it cuts off all the tiresome yard work.

Then we entered in the house. From here, all I saw was nothing but disappointments.

The entire house was not big at all. I felt it is almost similar to our current house, where has only 1,204 sq ft. It has three bedrooms. Each room seemed to be very small. Especially the master bedroom. The garage was tiled. Maybe the garage is included in the living area. The laundry are was in the house too. This too is included in the living area.

The bathroom of master bedroom was a huge disappointment. It had only one sink and a shower; no bath tub. I like our current house with two sinks and a huge jet bathtub.

All the water area of the kitchen sink, the shower, bathroom sinks looked old and not clean. The entire house needs to be taken care of. I don’t think their list price of $155,000 is right.

The realtor agreed with me about the house price. She said, two or three years ago, this house would have been sold with $120,000. In case the owner did some improvements, it could have been sold with $130,000 to the most.

The realtor continued. She said right now the housing market is a sellers’ market. In this sellers’ market, the house owner can sell their house as they are; without any improvements, with their preferred price of $155,000. I didn’t like how she said all of these, because she sounded mean. However, at the same time, I knew she was just telling me the truth.

***

We met this realtor last year at another house for sale. The previous house had the same list price of $155,000. The house went by so quickly. The buyer instantly offered the full price.

This realtor is honest and says things straightforward. She told me last time that somebody already offered the full price. She said the similar thing yesterday. Somebody already made a full price offer. They just saw the property details in the house sale listing, without actually seeing the house yet.  

***

I received an email notice from the realtor. She updated me that this house already went for “under contract” as of yesterday.

This house was on market just two days ago and already sold in next day. Maybe this year is not a good year for us to buy a house. We will keep looking for our best house and our best timing to buy.