I had lunch with four Japanese women. One is my long-term friend, and she introduced me to other three Japanese women.

I knew that there are many Japanese women living in our local city and that they have a Japanese community. I don’t like gathering with a whole bunch of people.

When I was still new to this land, I had participated the Japanese community several times. The community consisted of twelve Japanese women. I never felt comfortable being in the big group. Because I didn’t want them to think bad about me, even though I didn’t enjoy participating to the community, I forced myself to be there. By the time when I was so exhausted being in the big group, I finally could ask all the community members to omit me from the group. Since then, I never participated to the community.

For the absence of these past eleven years, I heard from people that most of them are not here in this local area anymore. They already moved to somewhere.

That was why I thought to give it a try again to participate to Japanese community again. This time though, I wanted to go to a small number of group.  

Today’s people were nice people. But I don’t think any of them were interested in making a close friend with anybody. I didn’t fully enjoy being in the group. Maybe, my subtle feeling is the right answer for me. I should follow my intuition. I will stop participating to this community.

Once I made my decision, I am feeling good.

My daughter likes to go to the planetarium. So, we purchased annual membership to visit them. The membership will expire at the end of this month.

Recently they started one new show on Sunday afternoon. We wanted to watch the show before our membership expires.

The show was Legend of the night sky. The target audience is set to young audience. I expected the show would be animation, but it was actually a lease show. The show was okay, but not great as I expected.

On the way to the planetarium, we saw the sign of Gem Show. We should have swing by there. We went there three years ago and fully enjoyed walking around the event venue.

I talked with my mom on the phone yesterday. I worried my mom would depart in any time soon. My family spirits answered to my concern. In my dream of this morning, a male figure told me that my mom is still alive. It also told me my mom would be fighting in this physical world for a while.

***

I came back to my house in America late at night of this Sunday. Today, almost one week has passed. Until today, my body had been still confused by the influence of jet lag.

In my recent trip in Japan, I never got constipation. I released healthy stool every morning at 6 am. That was good for me.

However, after I came back to my house in America, my regular habit was messed up for a while. I used to have a good habit of releasing healthy stool at 6 a.m. every morning. For the past five days the release time was changed to 2 p.m. of local time, which is equal to 6 a.m. of Japanese time.

This morning my regular habit finally came back. My body finally got over from the influence of jet lag from my recent trip.    

Before I left my parents’ house in my recent visit, they asked me to call them at least once a week. My Friday evening 6 p.m. is their Saturday morning 10 a.m. So, we set this as our regular conversation time.

When I called, my mom picked up the phone. The first word she said was my name. She was crying calling my name over and over again, just like a little girl.

She sounded exhausted. She told me she gets weaker day by day. Every day she faces at a shocking fact. Yesterday she could fasten a button, but today she could not do so anymore. In such way, every day, one by one, she adds up something that she used to be able to do, but now she can’t.

I remember at the last moment with my mom in their house. She called my name over and over again and cried. It sounded like a little girl calling her mom for help.

My mom does not have any memories of her mom. Her mom passed away when my mom was only five years old. Her mom got a heart attack and passed away right away from it. Since my mom grew up without memories of her mom, she projected her mom into me. This habit of hers got stronger as she got aged.

What my mom needs and asks for the most is a mother figure who can give her comfort.

Yesterday the subscription of my old website provider; SqueareSpace expired.

The pro about SqueareSpace is its user-friendliness and sophisticated function. I had used this company for four years since the beginning of 2016. Their customer support is excellent. They had been always very supportive. They made a short video using my webpage, so it was very easy for me to follow.

The con is its high price. I started my page using their business plan; upgraded plan. I paid about $200 per year. Since my business never went well since my establishment, last year I downgraded to their basic plan which I paid about $100 per year. It was still pricey for me as my main purpose of my webpage is only for blog. I never used my webpage for my actual business.

So, from this year, I wanted to choose the reasonable priced provider. WordPress offered the lowest price along with the discount coupon code. I paid $71.40 for 2 years subscription, which is $2.98 per month. I am totally happy with their price. I cleared up my concern about pricing.

Now, I need to face at the next and hard step; transferring all my homepage contents from my old provider; SquareSpace to my new provider; WordPress. This process was much harder than I thought. I needed to get used to my new provider.

***

P.S. I suffered from the transferring process for a while. After many conversations back and forth with their technical support, I finally started feeling comfortable in my new provider. It didn’t take me for more than one week. Now I am loving my new website provider for its great price and their helpful support members.  

Today is the last day of this homepage created by SquareSpace. Thank you for visiting my page.

I will transfer my page to a new platform in WordPress.

My homepage URL should stay in the same in the new platform. It should be ready to view from February 11th 2020.

I had been curious about a vibration platform for about two months or so. I finally purchased it online last month. The product was delivered on January 22^nd, just one day before when I talked to my mom on the phone. Since the product’s arrival, I had spent extremely busy days for the following two days, then the next day, I was already in the airplane to Japan. So, my new vibration platform has been waiting for my return since its arrival.

The vibration platform has a wide range of prices based on its functions. The lowest price starts from $80, and the highest is more than $1,000. I was planning to buy a reasonable priced one; around $150, but after discussed with my husband, we decided to buy a high quality one. I agreed with him it would worse to pay extra for its good functions.

Our new vibration platform is a 4D Vibration Plate with Triple Motors manufactured by Bluefin Fitness.

From today I started using it. It is pretty good. I like it.

Last night my family and I came back from the airport. When we finally arrived at home, it was close to midnight. I was eager to take a long bath. My daughter joined me. We got out from the bath and dried our hair completely. It was already past 2 a.m. when we finally went to bed.

***

It was so nice to sleep in my own bed with my family.

*** 

This morning my husband and daughter needed to wake up early for their work and school. After I saw them off, I could have gone back to bed to get some more sleep, but I didn’t. It was a nice sunny day. I went to the backyard and sat in the chair with my barefoot. I needed to earth myself from the long flights.

***

My morning and afternoon went by so quickly. I did laundry, unpacked my luggage and put the items to the appropriate places, wiped off the luggage, cleaned the house, and cooked dinner. I actually enjoyed all the chores. Doing something at my own house was refreshing.

***

In the evening I talked with my Japanese friend through LINE app. She had been a great support me mentally during my trip. Since she is my lifelong friend, she knows my parents since we were 11 years old. She is the only and best person who has known my life very well, and so, she has given me the appropriate advice and encouragements. Without her continuing support during my trip, I would have collapsed from sadness and stress.

I truly appreciate her friendship.

Today was my departure day back to America. I prepared breakfast for my parents. The menu was as usual; healthy and digestive healthy foods.

***

There was one funny story about my dad. He is a white cane carrier and claims he is blind. But my mom believes his eye vision is gradually coming back miraculously.

After breakfast, I was washing dishes. I was using a small amount of water and washing dishes quietly. My mom was standing in front of me. My dad came to my mom. He probably didn’t see me that I was standing right in front of my mom. My dad was putting a giggling smile on his face. He whispered to my mom about me. He said my hair was real bushy and so, I totally look like an Indian. I busted into laughter. I told my dad I was there and heard it. My dad was surprised at my voice. He thought I was somewhere else.

Anyways, it proved my dad could see my bushy hair. That means he is not totally blind. I didn’t get offended by his comment. I took it as a complement. I am happy to look like an Indian. My soul is originally Native American anyway. One thing my dad does not know is a real Native American has a beautiful long hair, unlike my bushy hair.

***

In the morning I tried to put all my clothes including my pajamas in my small case, but all the fabric items got too fluffy and big to fit. The cardboard box I got from the store was too thin to hold securely my items during the rough treatments by airport workers. The cardboard box the house helper got me was sturdy but it was too small. I was struggling for the final packing.

My mom told me to go to their outside shed. She said I could take any bag or suitcase from there.

In their shed, I found a small carry case. I was delighted to find it. I brought it back to the house, but soon I found out the case did not contain enough space for my items. I brought it back to the shed. This time, I found a nice large sized suitcase. I was delighted again and brought it back to the house.

The suitcase was definitely a perfect size, but there was one problem. In the middle, there was a three digits’ combination lock. At first I thought my parents would give me the numbers. But they didn’t remember the combination numbers. My dad was standing beside me and gave me some ideas of the combination numbers. We tried their birthdays, phone numbers, house numbers, address, their favorite numbers, and so on. Nothing worked. My parents suggested to forget about the suitcase. I had no option but to listen to their suggestion. I brought the nice sized suitcase back to their shed.

By then it was already past 10 p.m. The house helper arrived at home. My cousin stopped by again. He was on his way to his business trip to Kyushu, but he wanted to see me at the last moment before I go back to America. It was nice of him.

My cousin was watching me struggling for packing. He went down to the garage and brought a bag from his car. He gave the bag to me. It was a huge sized cloth bag. It can contain anything, but it was so gigantic that my items will be broken by the time I get to America. Then, my cousin left for his business trip.

My dad couldn’t stop giggling by observing me packing. But he was the last person who gave me a wonderful option. He went to his room and brought back one cardboard box. This cardboard box was for moving; nice sized and sturdy. He gave the box to me. With his help, I could finally put all my items in the box. My packing was finally completed.

I regretted I spent almost all morning for struggling in packing. If I were good at packing, I could have spent my spare time for a peaceful time with my parents.

At the time of departure, I hugged my mom. We both started crying out loud. I advised her that she should do everything opposite from what my dad tells her to do. Doing so will reactivate her natural healing ability. The examples are chemotherapy and hyperthermia treatments. Without these harsh treatments, she can stay calm without harsh pains. I also advised her to listen to her body intensely. Whenever her body says it doesn’t need any food, then listen to it; not to eat anything. My dad and other people will keep telling her to eat to get better. The fact is opposite. I asked her to think back her own experiences. Whenever she ate too much, especially at restaurants, she got sicker. On the other hand, whenever she ate home cooking food moderately at home, her physical strength worked well for her. My mom totally agreed with me. She promised me she would do whatever she feels right for her body.

Around noon I called a taxi. My dad and the house helper came down with me to the gate to see me off. My mom could not come down. At the last moment, I hugged my dad and thanked him. I turned to the helper. I shook hands with and thanked her. Then I got on a taxi.

***

When I got on the taxi, I was very emotional and about to cry. But the taxi driver changed my mood. He probably sensed my emotional feeling, so that he started saying all the nice things about my mom. He said he has given a ride to my mom several times. He said my mom is a cheerful person. He always enjoys talking with my mom. I appreciated the taxi driver for his kind words about my mom.

I took the taxi all the way to the airport shuttle bus stop. It took us one hour ride and cost me 7,460 Yen. It was pricey but I am glad he was my taxi driver. He helped me to carry my two luggage in and out from the trunk. I was surprised for his kindness. The taxi driver said it is normal in Japan. I forgot about how kind and polite Japanese services are. I now am used to American services, which much lower quality than that of Japanese, sorry to say my honest feeling. The taxi driver was a very funny man. He made me laugh a lot. He resembled to one of my favorite Japanese manzai comedians; Ina-chan.

***

From there, I took the airport shuttle bus to get to the airport.

***

In the morning I received a notice from the airplane company that my international flight will be delayed by 2 hours and 30 minutes. The original departure time was 6:10 p.m., but their new departure time was 8:40 p.m. I could have stayed little more longer at my parents’ house, but I needed to go to the airport counter to change my connection flight. 

***

The representative of the airplane company changed my connection flight. I was not happy with the flight. My original arrival time at my last airport was 5:06 p.m., but my new connection flight will arrive at 10:31 p.m. and I will have to wait almost six hours at San Francisco airport.

I contacted my husband and daughter. They said it’s still okay as long as I would go back home on the same day. They were right. I should be happy that I could see them within today.

***

After I checked in, it was still 3:30 p.m. I still have to wait another five more hours until the departure. I went to the Japanese noodle restaurant my mom recommended. I ordered a set of Japanese noodle and Katsudon (a deep-fried pork cutlet rice bowl). I enjoyed the meal very much. Then I went to a massage store and had a 30-minute relaxation massage. The female massage therapist worked on my neck, back, and shoulder, and calf and foot. I would definitely come back to these two stores for my next trip. I liked them very much.

***

Finally I got on the international flight. All the seats were completely full. My original seat was assigned at the window seat, but I could change it to an aisle seat. When I looked around all the seats were full, I thought it as a miracle that I could change my seat to an aisle one. I am definitely sure it was a support from my spirits and angels.

***

My international flight landed at San Francisco airport on time.

While we were waiting for the airplane door to open, I heard one woman standing in front of me was going back to the same final destination as mine. I started talking with her. I mentioned I too was going back to the same final destination as hers. I mentioned to her it was unluckily for us to wait for six hours for the next flight. She said her next flight was not that bad. She showed me her airplane ticket. Her connection flight would arrive 8:30 p.m., which was two hours earlier than mine. I showed my ticket to her. She asked me if I would feel comfortable in speaking English on the phone. I shook my head. She gave me her kind smile and said she would like to help me. We introduced each other. Her name was Vicky.

Vicky called the airplane company to change my flight to the same one as hers. Vicky explained nicely to the airplane representative. The representative needed to talk to me in person as a confirmation that I authorized Vicky to talk on behalf of me. Everything went well miraculously. The representative had only one seat available in Vicky’s flight. Vicky successfully changed my connection flight to the same one as hers. With her kind support, I could see my husband and daughter two hours earlier than the previous plan.

Vicky told me she had visited her daughter in Taiwan. She stayed there for three weeks. There, many Japanese people were nice to her and her daughter. Some Japanese people offered the similar help that she did to me. When she and her daughter had a tough time to communicate with store personnel or restaurant worker, some Japanese interpreted for them. Vicky was so impressed at the kind supports she received from Japanese people. She was happy to be able to pay the kindness back to Japanese by supporting me in return. It was happy to hear her beautiful story. I appreciate the Japanese people who supported Vicky during her trip.

***

Unfortunately our next flight was also delayed in its departure by one hour. Still, it was one hour earlier than my original flight.

I arrived at my final airport on 9:30 p.m. I saw my husband and daughter at the luggage turn table.

I run to them and hugged both of them. I cried for happiness to see them again.

I naturally woke up at 6 a.m. After I prepared breakfast for my parents, I went upstairs and checked my mom in bed. She was still asleep. I gently touched her face and body. She was in the normal temperature. I appreciate she was still alive.  

Around 8 a.m., my mom woke up. I was there at her bed side. I asked her if she was hungry. She said she was. I was glad to hear her appetite came back.

***

My parents didn’t have any appointment today. They wanted to relax at home.

Originally they had one appointment around noon. The nursing-care products representative was planning to come to install some nursing-care products. We planned to install a supportive step in the bathtub, another handrail for my mom’s bed, and some supportive items to make some thresholds with a different level into mild slopes to prevent my mom from stumbling. Also we planned to rent a walker for my mom.

However, my mom canceled this appointment two days ago; on Thursday. I found out the reason why my mom cancelled after I talked with my mom.

On that day she completely lost her memory of having met the nursing-care products representative on Tuesday. Even though we all decided these plans with my parents on Tuesday, my mom completely forgot all about that. Therefore, on Thursday when my mom saw the representative visiting our house for their request; to replace the bedside handrail from left to right for my mom and to change the bank account information for my dad, my mom thought she met the man for the very first time. She got mad at him because she thought the representative decided all the products by himself without my mom’s approval.

This morning my mom was calm. So, I told her the truth that we decided together and my mom agreed everything we discussed.

My mom got shocked that she lost her memory. She also got shocked she yelled the representative from her losing memory. I suggested my mom to call him and explain what happened to her, and sincerely apologize to him.

The representative was a thoughtful young man. He warmheartedly told my mom not to worry about him; it was totally fine with him. I appreciate him for being so nice to my mom. 

The representative offered my mom to reactivate the former appointment to install the products around noon, but my mom politely turned down his offer. She was still feeling tired from yesterday’s harsh treatment. She wanted to rest in bed without any visitors at home.      

***

My dad told me their grave was completed. He received a phone call from the grave company.

After breakfast, I walked to my parents’ grave. I took some pictures of all the four-sided gravestone. On the way back, I stopped by at a convenience store and bought Oden for my parents’ lunch.

***

I came back home from the grave and showed the pictures of grave to my parents. Then, I left for the beach by myself. I went to the sushi restaurant for lunch. I ate my lunch there and bought some to-go-boxes for my parents’ dinner. It was a clear sunny sky. The sun light’ shining on the ocean surface was gorgeous. I fully enjoyed my two hours’ walk on the beach.

***

When I came back home from beach, it was around 2:30 p.m. My mom was in bed.

I found out the living room’s light was turned off, where my dad always sits. The house helper told me the set of fluorescent lamps burned out. She said this set is a rare designed one so that the closest grocery store does not carry. We will need to go to the DIY store for a new set of lamps. My dad casually asked me to go there and buy a new set. I hated to hear that, because I was tired for the day. The DIY store is not located within the walking distance. I would need to take a taxi for the round trip. As the helper watched me being reluctant going there by a taxi, she offered me to give me a ride. I gladly accepted her kind offer.

It was Saturday afternoon, so the traffic was heavy. It took us almost one hour for the chore. It was fun though, to talk with the helper. She talked a lot about her private life; about her husband, sons, and one of their wife. Today was the last day I could spend time with the helper. When she was about to leave the house, I thanked her from the bottom of my heart for being nice to my parents and supporting them.

***

Let me talk about my brother. We are only one year apart so that we grew up like twin brother and sister. However, after his marriage, he has changed into a cold hearted person.

My mom didn’t tell my brother about my visit of this time. On my second day of this trip, I happened to pick up a phone call from my brother to my parents at home phone. My brother sounded to be surprised at my voice, but he never said any kinds words to me. Normal siblings would have asked me how I am doing or when I arrived and when to leave. My brother gave me no greetings; nothing.

Around 6 p.m., my brother showed up at my parents’ house. He went straight to my dad and asked for the land title for sales. My dad answered he still could not find it anywhere. My brother got after my dad for that. Also my brother mentioned about my dad’s younger brother being angry to my dad. Today my brother received a phone call from our uncle. Our uncle was mad about my dad’s purchasing a grave without telling him in advance.

After my brother complained about these two cases to my dad, then he turned to my mom and asked how she was. She answered him that she was very sick. My brother simply said he could see it. That was it. My brother left.

My brother had noticed my existence all the time, but didn’t say a word to me. I don’t know what is wrong with him. He has changed into a completely different person. He is now worse than a stranger. Even a stranger can be slightly nicer than him.

I noticed my brother and our uncle (my dad’s younger brother) are close; they are frequently communicating on the phone. I really felt myself being isolated from this family and relatives. I am nothing to them.

***

For dinner my mom could eat small amount of the sushi that I brought back from the restaurant. After I helped her for a bath, she went back to bed again. She had spent almost all day in bed.

I escorted her to the upstairs’ bed. I stayed there with my mom for a while.

I told her my honest feeling. I feel isolated from this family and relatives. I don’t want to attend funerals for my parents. My mom fully understood what I meant and she agreed with my plan.

My mom wants to pass away at home. She already mentioned about her desire to my dad and my brother as well as all the doctor, the nurses, and the helpers. All of them understood, except for my dad.

If anybody calls for an ambulance for my mom in the event of emergency, the doctor will try to extend her life with a CPR (Cardiopulmonary resuscitation). They will try to extend her life with all the feeding tubes. It is not actually living. My mom wants to avoid the situation at all costs.

I told my mom to communicate with her late dad and late older sister and ask them to come pick her up while she is asleep. If she has a heart attack or a seizure, my dad will definitely call for an ambulance. If she goes while asleep, my dad cannot stop it. It is the most peaceful way. I want to leave this world for my time. My mom agreed and she would do so. Then, she fell asleep.

I started packing my luggage for my trip back to America tomorrow. I had a hard time to put everything in, because I came here with only a small carry case.

***

Around 8 p.m. when both of my parents already went to bed, the entrance doorbell rang. It was my cousin. He came to visit me as he knew I would leave tomorrow.

I mentioned about my mom of last night that she was very close to the death line. I thought she would dye on me last night. He was surprised because he visited my parents yesterday right before my mom went for the hyperthermia treatment. My mom was not that sick at that time. We both agreed it was definitely the treatment that drained her physical strength.

My cousin started shedding tears. He is very kind hearted. He cares for my mom a lot as if she were his sister. He promised me to visit my mom as much as he can. He would leave for Kyushu for his business trip tomorrow and stay there for one week. He said he does not want to go. He concerned my mom a lot.

***

My cousin and I had a good talk.

He asked about my brother and his wife. He was wondering why they are such cold-hearted to my parents.

My cousin has been helping my parents a lot, especially in last June when both of them had a surgery for cancer. He went to the hospital almost every day to support my parents. During that time, he never saw my brother’s wife.

He saw my brother at the hospital once. It was my mom’s hospital release day. My cousin was supporting my mom with his one arm and some of my mom’s bags with his other arm. When my brother passed by them, even though my brother clearly saw my cousin, my brother didn’t greet or thank to my cousin. My brother complained my mom that even though he was super busy for his work, he needed to come to the hospital to listen from her doctor about the status as her family. My cousin couldn’t believe what he just heard from my brother. He was shocked on what a cold-hearted person my brother has become. But my brother didn’t say anything to anybody about it.

I didn’t know how rude my brother was to my cousin. I apologized my cousin on behalf of my brother for his rude attitude.

***

I thought I should share my life briefly with my cousin, because I believe it is related the reason why my brother has changed into such a cold-hearted person.

When I was 25 years old, I was young and brave; aka, naïve. I thought I could take over my dad’s position being a president of his company. That was how I entered to my dad’s company. When I started working at my dad’s company, I already regretted about my decision. It was so tough for me. I wanted to leave his company as soon as possible.

While I was desperately looking for a good reason for me to leave my dad’s company, I met one guy. We dated only for three months. And silly me, I decided to marry him. I thought a marriage might be a good reason for me to leave from the current situation.

However, through this marriage, I entered to another silly mistake. It was a stupid idea to marry somebody whom you don’t know well. After started living together, I noticed this man being abusive. I underwent a domestic violent from him every day. I could not tell anybody the truth. My marriage went by like that for the first one year. Then, my mom noticed my bruises all over my body.

After one year of our marriage life of living together, I moved to a new place and started living by myself. Getting divorced was not easy for me and my parents, because my parents had been clinging on to the old way of thinking. They believed a divorce as a taboo. My parents asked us to hide the truth. So, even though we didn’t love each other anymore, and we didn’t live together anymore, we needed to pretend to still be a happily married couple.  After we lived our separated life for eight months, my parents finally agreed us to officially get divorced and announce the truth.  

At that time, my brother was gentle-hearted one. My brother and I were very close mentally. He had witnessed me having a hard time at my dad’s company. He offered me to switch the position. He entered to my dad’s company to take over his position, and he told me I can leave the company and live my life freely. 

I appreciated my brother from the bottom of my heart, because right after I resigned my dad’s company, I started living my life freely. I started coming to America and met my husband in 1998. It was the beginning of my life in America.  

I honestly believe this is the main and root cause for my brother to be changed to a cold-hearted person.

***

Once my brother started working at my dad’s company, he went through much more tougher and meaner situation than I had. At that time he was still single. Many people criticized him for not being married at his age. I believe my brother went through the severe stress just like I had. Then he made the similar mistake that I made. He had an arranged marriage and married to a woman whom he had hardly known. And, since his marriage, he and I could never be the same as before. We seldom talked since then. My brother and I never had an argument or fight, but since his marriage, we haven’t talked for close to 20 years now. I am just feeling very sad for what happened to my brother. It might be as he planned before he was born. Who knows? As a human me, and as a younger sister of him, I just miss my brother who is originally good-hearted.

***

My cousin was surprised and shocked at my story.

In return, my cousin shared his life with me.

In his personal opinion, he is supportive to a divorce. He believes it is normal that people make a mistake. He believes when a marriage does not go well, they should get divorced as soon as possible so that they can find their right one on their next opportunity.

He said his dad got divorced once. He was a child of his previous marriage. Later, his dad married to my aunt. Therefore, my aunt is not his biological mother. I didn’t know about this at all. And, that means, my cousin and I are not biologically connected.   

He also shared with me another shocking fact.

He said his own marriage has been collapsed for many years. He and his wife are still married and they still live in the same house, but they don’t talk to each other at all for many years. His wife doesn’t cook anything for my cousin. He feels he lives all by himself in the house. He still obligates to bring the money for his wife and his three children. I didn’t know all of them, so I was so surprised at his truth.

***

All in all, it was great to have this conversation with my cousin. I appreciate him for visiting me tonight.