Last night when I was laying down on the futon mattress, I was thinking about my mom’s current situation; constipation for many days. The doctor asked her if she wanted to take one-night hospitalization as a mitigation measure of constipation. My mom firmly showed her desire on not to be hospitalized in any way. She would rather stay home.

I prayed to my spirits and angels for their support about my mom. During my prayer, my mind’s eye showed the image of my Reiki teacher’s smiling face. At first I was shy about contacting him, because I don’t keep in touch with him frequently. The last time I communicated with him was in 2014 about Reiki teaching. However, my mind’s eye kept on showing the image of him. Besides, I did need any helpful support by all means. I thought I should follow my guides to contact him.

So, I emailed my Reiki teacher. I explained my situation visiting my parents in Japan and my mom’s suffering from constipation for many days. I asked him if he could send the distant Reiki to my mom. I added my mom’s full name and birthday and location where she is right now.

After send him the email, I felt good and fell asleep right away.

***

This morning I naturally woke up at 6 a.m. For some reason, I was feeling good. I am glad I didn’t wake up sick like yesterday.

After I did a morning prayer to my spirits and angels as usual, I checked my emails on my cell phone.

The first email caught my eyes was the reply from my Reiki teacher.  

He said he already sent my mom the distance Reiki at 9:50 p.m. last night. I quickly replied back to him to thank him for his kindness.

I went to kitchen and prepared breakfast for my parents. Then I went upstairs to check my mom in their bedroom.

***

My mom was already awake, laying down on bed. When she noticed me, she sat up on bed and asked me to give her a back massage. She said, as the side effect from her many medicine pills, her spine area gets hurt and numbed. She said my massage was helpful to calm the pain down.

While I was giving her a gentle back massage, she shared her good news with me.

She had a wonderful surprise last night. She had a bowel movement three times during night.

It started around 10 p.m. When she got the nature call and went bathroom, she could release a healthy stool. She was amazed about it. Then, the second nature call occurred around 2 a.m. She released some hard and small stools like that of a bunny. The third and last one occurred around 7 a.m. She released a watery one. Although it was that of diarrhea and painful, it was helpful for her to release any unnecessary items from her bowel.

I listened her good news with tears. I was amazed. My Reiki teacher sent my mom the distant Reiki on 9:50 p.m. My mom’s bowel movement started 10 p.m. I definitely believe this was thanks to my Reiki teacher’s support. I mentioned about my Reiki teacher to my mom. She fully believed the power and thanked him.

***

Today would be a busy day for my parents. This morning at 9:30 a.m., my dad had two doctor’s appointments at the local hospital. One was a checkup for the broken bone of his right wrist, and the other one was a regular checkup for his diabetes and a follow-up checkup of the stomach cancer surgery of last summer. And this afternoon at 2:30 p.m., my mom had an appointment for her hyperthermia treatment.

They originally wanted me to escort them to all of their appointments, but they changed their minds. They saw me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, so that they offered me to spend a relaxing day by myself. They were right. I needed my alone time by now. From my arrival on Sunday night until now, I didn’t have my own alone time at all. I appreciated my parents’ thoughtfulness and gladly accepted their offer to take one full day off for myself.

***

I didn’t feel comfortable about my mom’s appointment of a hyperthermia treatment. As far as I have heard from the doctor and the nurse, this is a harsh medical treatment. It is a radiation cancer treatment and almost equivalent to a chemotherapy. This treatment might be help for a patient if s/he has enough physical strength to fight with such a harsh treatment. However, for a patient like my mom whose physical strength is at very low level, this treatment will be nothing but harmful.

From the previous experiences, my mom already knew this treatment would not be harmful, instead of helpful. Besides, the doctor and the nurse advised my mom to stop taking this treatment. When they advised, my dad was right next to my mom. Unluckily for my mom, my dad is very stubborn on his belief. Since he believes the hyperthermia treatment would be helpful for my mom, he insisted my mom to keep having the treatment. He ignored my mom’s desire to stop it. He also ignored the medical advice from the doctor and the nurse. He would not listen to anybody else.

Originally my dad was planning to stay at home alone in the afternoon. Their house helper was planning to escort my mom to the clinic for the hyperthermia treatment. I whispered to the helper and my mom and gave my advice. They should leave the house, but instead of taking the hyperthermia treatment, cancel the treatment and have some tea at a cafeteria to kill time, then come back home pretending she has had the treatment.

However, my dad all of a sudden changed his mind in the morning. He said he would go with my mom for the hyperthermia treatment. We didn’t know why my dad changed his mind.

Later on that night, I found out the reason why my dad changed his mind. The nurse told me what happened last night. The doctor called my brother and advised to cancel my mom’s hyperthermia treatment. My brother relayed the advice to my dad. The phone call fueled my dad. It made my dad much more stubborn than before, and that was why my dad decided to go with my mom to witness my mom would have the treatment.

***

I left my parents’ house right before they left for their appointments. I walked to the beach. There, I walked barefoot on the beach sand for a good one hour. It was beneficial for me. It was relaxing and calming. I could earth my overwhelming emotions to mother earth. It was a meditation as well as a conversation with my spirits and angels.

I was surrounded by warm and gentle energy. With the support of my spirits and angels, I focused on my dad’s soul with my unconditional love to him. I started feeling my dad’s emotions as if they were mine.

One possibility is that my dad might be suffering from mental sickness. He is the one who stays with my mom all the time. He has seen my mom’s getting sicker and sicker. He has witnessed my mom has gone very close to the death line many times so far. He has been feeling stressful and uneasy about my mom’s dying process. He has been feeling lonely and sad. He knows himself as useless when it comes to offering a physical support for my mom, as he is getting weak too. He is not good at expressing all his emotions with words. He does not have anybody to listen closely to him. Being stubborn and complaining for everything might come from his anxiety.

Another possibility is that he might have a senile dementia developing little by little. If he can receive the appropriate support for his mental health, he might get better in his mental state. For example, it might be helpful to have a professional counselor listen to my dad about all his concerns and worries and give him a warm big hug and gently stroke his back. I hope somebody in medical team will notice my dad’s mental sickness and treat him in an appropriate way.

During this trip, my dad yelled at me many times. There was one time I thought he was trying to punch me from anger. He scared me a lot. All of these might be his way to release his stress. It might be his way desperately asking me for support. Maybe I should put little more efforts and time on my dad, trying to listen to him, comfort him, and help him to release his hidden emotions.

***

After this meditation and conversation with my spirits and angels, I felt much better.

I had lunch at a Teppanyaki restaurant. I ordered a grilled yakisoba and ate it there. I ordered a grilled okonomiyaki to-go for my parents for their dinner.

***

In the evening after my mom came back from hyperthermia treatment, she looked very sick. After she ate some of Okonomiyaki, she wanted to take a bath. In the dressing room, she lost her conscious a couple of times, so that I needed to be very cautious by constantly supporting her body.

I instantly knew her getting very sick was due to the hyperthermia therapy that she had today. The nurse told me this therapy was too strong for my mom and drains her physical strength. The nurse told me about last Friday and Saturday. My mom had the same treatment on last Friday. When she came back, she got very sick. She spent a tough night from Friday night to Saturday. She could not sleep due to the severe nausea. She threw up many times but nothing came out because she could not eat anything since Friday morning. My mom asked the house helper not to call the ambulance. The helper called her office, and her office arranged some more people. The nurse came and two other house helpers came. They all stayed until late that night. One helper stayed the night at my parents’ house in case of their emergency need. The nurse thought my mom would pass away on that night. I was on my way to their house in the airplane. I didn’t know about this until I met the nurse. My parents didn’t tell me about that night. Maybe they didn’t want me to worry about my mom.

***

My mom wanted to lay down in bed around 7 p.m. In bed, she asked me to stay with her for a while. Her conscious was on-and-off. She started crying and saying thank you to me many times. Also she apologized me for her being mean in her younger years many times. All of her doings seemed that she was about to die on me. My mom saw people off at their death bed many times in this life; my dad’s mom, my mom’s dad, my mom’s older sister, my mom’s older sister’s husband, and our dog. My mom told me right before they cross the death line, all of them said “thank you” to my mom in their most gentle voice tone. The memory came back to me. I thought she was in the same situation about to cross the line.

I asked my mom not to go yet. I asked my mom to see me off on my return trip to America on Sunday. She heard me. She nodded to me. She put a smile on her face and told me “okay, I am not going tonight. I want to see you off on your back to America on Sunday.” Then she fell asleep.

***

I went downstairs and laid down on the futon mattress. I was overwhelmed by my anger toward my dad. I wanted to go to him and yell at him about pushing my mom to the hyperthermia treatment today. I wanted to yell at him about his still smoking inside the house. But I didn’t do any of them. At least now I know my dad is also suffering from all the stress. I just wanted to go back to my American home where my husband and daughter are waiting for me. This trip is just so hard for me to go through.

I had a sudden wake-up at 3:33 a.m. I don’t know the reason why. When I was back to the real world from dream world, lots of tears kept on falling down on my cheeks. I cried and cried. I could not stop crying for hours. I tried to get some more sleep until morning. I don’t remember exactly what time I finally fall back to sleep. I was extremely tired from crying and fell asleep from exhaustion.

I re-woke up at 7 a.m. I instantly noticed of my severe headache and nausea. I got out from the futon mattress and stood up. I felt dizzy and almost fell back down on the floor.

I took some deep relaxing breaths to calm myself down. In the bathroom, I notice my period has come. That makes sense of feeling dizzy. My headache and nausea were probably due to my crying of last night and not to mention, all the stresses that I had felt in this visit.

I went back to bathroom and threw up. No food came out. I threw up nothing but clear-colored water.   

When my mom came down to the living room, I mentioned her about my feeling sick. She felt sorry for me feeling sick. She told me stay in bed for a while.

***

At 8 a.m., the new house helper arrived at home. Today’s helper was different from the previous one. Previously only one helper would come 5 days a week; Mondays through Fridays. Now that my mom needs much more help than before, my parents recently started hiring one more helper so that they can cover all days of the week.

So, now the two helpers’ work shift is like this. One comes on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, and the other one comes on Thursdays and Sundays. On every Mondays and Thursdays, the helpers come to my parents’ house slightly before 8 a.m. for taking out trash to the designated place. The local City is very strict on the regulation of taking out trash. It regulates certain days and time for citizens to take out their trash.

I went out to the living room to greet to the new helper. She was different type from the other one. While the first helper works quickly and efficiently, the second helper works not as quickly nor efficiently as the first one. I am fine with both of them as long as they support my parents sincerely. I like them both helpers.

I introduced myself to the new helper. I also mentioned about my feeling sick. Then I went back to the futon mattress and had one hour nap. After the short nap, I recovered my health. I felt much better than the early morning.

***

At 11 a.m., my mom had an appointment with a nurse. The nurse was a petite young woman. She performed a medical checkup for my mom. When the nurse listened to my mom’s bowel by a stethoscope, she asked my mom if she had good appetite back recently. My mom happily told the nurse that owes me a lot through my healthy homemade food. The nurse told us her with her beautiful smile that my mom’s bowel was moving and working healthily today. She said it never happened to my mom for these past two months. She was happy for my mom that her appetite came back. I was happy to hear that.

After the checkup, the nurse whispered to me if she could talk to me in a different room in person. I whispered to her yes. The nurse got my parents’ permission to see the other room where my mom usually takes a nap in the day time. Then the nurse asked me to show it to her.

When we entered to the other room and shut the door, the nurse grabbed my both hands and started shedding tears. I shed tears too.

She was a pure and thoughtful person. She said my mom has already entered at the last stage of cancer. My mom will get weaker and weaker day by day. She wants to support my mom as much as she can, but in order to do that, she needs approval and support from her family. She said she works for the hospital where my mom’s doctor works. She said she wants me to see the doctor and discuss the best way for my mom. We exchanged LINE address. She said she would arrange a meeting with the care manager who will be assigned for my mom. Then, both of us wiped off our tears from our cheeks and went out from the room. She greeted my parents and left our house, whispering me she would contact me soon.  

***

After lunch, my mom asked me to take her to the local bank. This bank is located very close to my parents’ house. If I were alone, I would have walked there within 10 minutes. However, since my mom could not walk at all, we called a taxi to get there. My mom needed to pick up some items from the safety deposit box.

Luckily at this bank, unlike the credit union that we visited two days ago, the procedure to access to the safety deposit box was very simple. We didn’t need to wait in line to talk to the teller. We just went straight to the room and opened the room door with the specified card. When we entered in the private room, we used the card again and typed the box number. The deposit box automatically came out from the table. My mom opened the box with the key. This chore was done much quicker than I thought.

***

When we came back home, even before we opened the entrance door, we could smell the cigarettes. Obviously my dad smoked many cigarettes while we were gone in the living room on the first floor. When we entered in the entrance hall, the smell was really bad that we could not breeze normally.

My mom was feeling sick, so she went directly the room to sleep on the futon mattress. After I saw my mom fall asleep, I quietly closed the room door.

***

Then I went to my dad and got after him. All my anger toward my dad exploded.

My mom had an acute myocardial infarction in 2018 and a big surgery on her heart. The surgeon implanted some stents. The doctor told my mom to stay away from second smoking. The doctor also told my dad to completely stop smoking for her. Didn’t my dad agree with my mom on not to smoke on the first floor? Why he can’t keep his promise? Why does my dad still stubbornly smoke? It is a life or death situation for his precious wife. What is wrong with this man?

I yelled at my dad for all of those. My dad yelled back at me at the top of his lungs. He insisted his smoking is nothing to do with my mom’s bad health condition. No matter how hard I tried to talk to my dad in the soul level, my dad would not listen to me at all. I felt myself powerless.

I stayed outside of the house; in the front yard. I took off my socks and put my bare feet on the ground. I earthed myself for a while to calm myself down.

***

Earlier of today, I received a LINE phone call from the nurse. She wanted me to come to the care manager’s office at 3 p.m., so that we can discuss about my mom without my dad. She knew my dad would disturb anything in any ways.

I told my mom about our secret meeting. She knew very well about my dad being difficult, so she agreed with me to go there alone. My dad was nosy. Right before I left the house, he asked me where I was going and with whom I would meet. I just told my dad that I would meet my friend.

We had another appointment on that evening at 5 p.m. It was the male representative who deals with nursing-care products. He was coming to my parents’ house for two reasons. First reason was for my mom. My mom wanted to move the position of the handrail which was installed yesterday from her right to left. Second reason was for my dad. My dad wanted to change the bank account of withdrawal from the one he signed yesterday to a different one.

I told my mom about the male representative’s appointment at 5 p.m. In case I am late for the appointment time, my mom and dad can deal with him, because he was coming for them. He doesn’t need me for this appointment. My mom understood what I said.

***

I went to our secret meeting. The care manager’s office was near my parents’ house. It was just a 10-minute walk away. At 3 p.m., three of us; the care manager, and the nurse, and myself, gathered and started our meeting about my mom.

The nurse took a lead and started talking. My mom is at the last stage of her life. Her health would not get dramatically well from this stage. With that in mind, we have to discuss the best option for her. It is critical to hear the patient’s desire. My mom does not want to take any more medical treatments. The nurse agrees with my mom’s desire. She and the doctor believe no medical treatments will make my mom’s situation better. Besides, any medical harsh treatments such as chemotherapy and hyperthermia will take away her physical strength which is already at very low. We discussed about three options.

The first option is a mitigation measure to improve my mom’s current situation. My mom has been suffering from constipation for many days, which is draining her vital energy. With one night hospitalization, the doctor can temporary improve the situation, and this treatment will make my mom’s pain will be slightly calmed down. However, this is just a temporary measure and does not change the situation to any better.

The second option is to hospitalize at hospice for terminally ill patients. In this hospice care, the patients will not get any harsh medical treatments. They will freely live in the hospice room. In case of urgent needs, the doctor and nurse can give the patients some type of pain relief measures. The nurse believes this option is the best option for my mom due to the current condition. She knows about my dad very well by now. He constantly accuses my mom for not taking chemotherapy anymore. He frequently says negative words to my mom. He still smokes inside the house, which is definitely bad for my mom’s weak body. He still orders my mom to do some chores for him. When something happens to my mom; for example when she falls down to floor, my dad won’t be able to be any help for her.

The third and last option for my mom is to spend her final days peacefully at home. I know this is what my mom desires the most. For this option, my parents definitely need to hire more people at their home. Eventually they will need somebody to stay at their house 24/7, and it will cost them a huge amount of money.

The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor in person. Also, the nurse wanted to get more support from my brother. She never met nor spoke to my brother in person until this time. The nurse talked with the doctor on the phone and asked him to make some time to meet me, possibly on Friday night after he gets off from work at hospital. The doctor told the nurse that he would call her back. After they hang up the phone we needed to wait good for 10 minutes or so.

The doctor called the nurse back and told he could not make the time for me. Then, a couple of minutes later, the nurse received a phone call from my brother. While on the phone, I barely heard the nurse’s speaking. All she said on the phone was “Yes…” “I know that, but…” “Yes, I understand that.” Her voice stayed calm and polite all the time, but I noticed her both hands started shaking. I knew something was going bad.

 

After the nurse finished talking with my brother on the phone, she looked very sad and shocked. She turned to me and started talking to me. This time, not only her both hands but also all over her body were shaking very hard. With shocked and bewildered voice, she told me like this.

She had hoped to receive kind supports from my brother. She had hoped my brother would improve the situation for my mom. She had hoped my brother would be the right person to discuss the best option for my mom. However, she found out my brother was very similar to my dad. They are so stubborn on their opinions. My brother warned to the nurse in his cruel and strong voice tone that he was in charge of deciding everything about our mom. My brother and my mom’s doctor used to be the classmates in high school and they have been friends since then. The doctor cannot do anything without my brother’s approval. In this case, my brother does not think the doctor should meet me because I don’t live in Japan. So, my brother ordered his friend; the doctor not to make any time to meet me. Also, my brother ordered the doctor to shut the nurse up. After the nurse told me all of these, she started crying out loud. I could not hold my tears neither. We held each other tightly and cried for a while. Both of us felt sad. We felt ourselves as useless.    

One of the coworkers of the care manager knocked the meeting room door. She said my mom called to their office. The worker said my mom sounded furious at me on the phone. My mom wanted me to come back home right away.   

It was already past 5 p.m. Three of us decided to end our meeting. We all agreed that we would support my mom’s desire, which is to spend her final days at home. I will need my dad’s approval to hire more helpers and nurses to cover the current vacant time such as in the evening and night for my mom.

***

When I arrived at home, the male representative of nursing-care products was already at my parents’ house. When I entered in the living room greeting to the male representative with a smile, I instantly felt the cold air in the room.

Both of my parents were furious at me. To my surprise, my mom yelled at me for coming back late for the appointment. I didn’t understand the situation quickly. Before I left, I told my mom they don’t need to wait for me because he would come for my mom and my dad. I am nothing to do with this appointment. Obviously however, my mom seemed to forget about what I said earlier. I knew though, it was from my mom’s sickness. I held my mom and apologized to my mom. I also sincerely apologized to the male representative for everything.

I figured out what happened to him while they were waiting for me. My parents were mad at him for deciding everything without their approval. They yelled at him and tried to chase him out. When I came back. My parents’ anger switched from him to me. They blamed my being late for the appointment. Both of them totally forgot about the fact. He came based on their request, and they didn’t need to wait for me for the procedure.

He completely understood the situation. He gave me a warm smile at me and told me not to worry. Then the male representative left my parents’ house. When I went outside of the house to open the entrance gate for him. I apologized him again for my parents’ rude attitude. I looked at his face. I saw his eyes with tears. He told me not to worry about him. He also said he fully understood the situation. We didn’t hug each other, but we both felt we completely understood each other. I could feel his sincere heart by his warm energy.

***

After the male representative left, I helped my mom for taking a bath. My mom definitely needs support for taking a bath. She cannot get in and out all by herself. After her bath, I prepared dinner for my parents.

***

Before both of my parents went upstairs to sleep, I asked my dad about hiring more helpers for my mom during evening and night, as she needs support for taking a bath and preparing for dinner. My dad got mad and started yelling at me. He insisted he would decide everting all by himself and he does not need any of my suggestions or opinions. He told me in his cussing words to shut off. He was yelling at the top of his lungs. He was about to approach me to grab me. I thought he was planning to punch me. I was able to avoid his approaching, but it was shocking. I was at the place where I almost completely lost trust to my parents. I wanted to leave this place right away. But I didn’t do so. I still love them from my heart.

***   

I was completely exhausted mentally and physically. Everything I have experienced and witnessed during this visit was too tough for me to handle.

How can I touch to my dad in the soul level? How can I be help for my parents? I am doing my best, but it seems I will be never enough for them. My dear spirits and angels, please help me. Please let me be my parents’ help.

I slept through to 8 a.m. in the morning. I went to kitchen and cooked breakfast for my parents.

After breakfast, I helped my parents to fill out a medical questionnaire sheet that was required for yesterday’s insurance application form.

***

After the medical questionnaire process, my dad asked me to take him to the local hearing aid store. He said it would not take long. We thought we could have come back within 30 minutes or so.

However, the process took them more than one hour.

After 30 minutes passed since we arrived at the store, I received a phone call from my mom. Her voice sounded very irritated. To my surprise, my mom yelled at me for our staying at the store for longer that we thought. I asked my mom to calm down. I explained her the store worker and my dad have been doing the necessary procedure without wasting any time. The store worker needed to adjust his new hearing aid into the computer program. I thought it unfair that my mom yelled at me even though the process was nothing to do with me. It was actually nobody’s fault for taking longer than we thought.

According to the house helper, after my mom ate lunch, her temper calmed down.

I should have known well at that time, that my mom easily gets irritated because of her being sick or maybe because of her taking too much medications. I admit that I am still an immature human. It was not easy for me to deal well with my mom’s emotional swing.

***

After we came back home from the hearing aid store, I had a quick lunch.

In the early afternoon, my mom asked me to take her to the bank located in the next town. She wanted to close one of her fixed-term deposit accounts. She could not do so earlier, because she was reluctant to ask the helper to go there with her due to the private bank information.

At the bank, we needed to wait for quite a long time for them to process it. I was surprised at the extremely low interest rate in Japanese bank. For example, I know the interest rate of one American bank’s 5-year term deposit account was 2.48% (0.0248) as of last year 2019. Today my mom received the interest cash that was only 0.00375% (=0.0000375). The bank teller told us they had to deduct the income tax from the bank interest. This is probably one of the examples of Japanese economy being very bad.

***

When we came back home, it was past 3 p.m. My mom went directly to bed and slept, same as yesterday.

***

I cooked some side dishes for my mom. They are steamed sweet potatoes and pumpkin. They should be helpful for my mom to easily digest.

After the cooking, I had one-hour free time for myself. I walked to the shopping area at the closest station. I wanted to buy some Japanese food to bring back to America. I also wanted to buy some gifts for my daughter.

***

My free time went by quickly. I needed to be back home in a hurry because I had an appointment with two people. One person is the representative who came to our house yesterday for my parents’ insurance appreciation. She arranged another representative who deals with the lease of nursing-care products. They were to arrive at my parents’ house at 5 p.m. to install a handrail for my mom’s bed.

***

When the two representatives arrived at my parents’ house, my mom was still sleeping on the futon mattress on the first floor.

I explained the two representatives that my mom was sick and sleeping. I invited them to my parents’ bedroom of the second floor.

The male representative installed a handrail next to my mom’s bed. We decided to add one more handrail on the other side of the bed toward the bedroom door. Then, I showed them around other house areas where my mom goes in a daily basis. We decided to install some handrails in the bathroom, one step inside the bathtub, and a walker.

My dad checked my mom several times and forced my mom to come out from bed. He insisted my mom to be in the meeting because we were talking about her nursing-care products.

My mom came out from bed and sat down in the dining table in the living room with the two representatives. My mom was still too sick to walk around the house to hear their explanations about new products that we agreed to lease.

I roughly explained my mom what we have agreed to lease in front of the two representatives. My mom agreed and thanked them for their support.

***

After the two representatives left, my mom wanted to take a bath. Previously my parents went to take a bath together. My dad said he supported my mom for taking a bath. Since today was my 4^th day, I got to know better. I knew my dad was not supportive for my mom in the bath tub. So, for today’s bath time, I offered my mom a help to take a bath.

It was good that I was with my mom in the dressing room in front of bath tub. When my mom was taking off her clothes, she several times lost her conscious and almost fell down backward. I happened to be standing behind her, so that I could support her from behind. She didn’t have energy left to wash her hair and body. All she could do was to soak herself in the hot water bath tub for a short period of time. She said she has not washed her body and hair for more than one month. I offered her to wash her body and hair, but she politely turned down my offer. She said she would get sick if she stays longer in the bathroom. So, I could not help her for doing so.

I really concern about her after I leave. She needs somebody to support her taking a bath. She still sleeps in her bed of the second floor. It was so dangerous for her to climb up and down the stairs. She needs to sleep on the first floor. In that case, she will need to install a bed on the first floor. Right now she sleeps in day time on the futon mattress on the first floor. It seems so hard to her to get up from the futon mattress on the floor. There are many issues to be solved for my mom. I wonder who can be much supportive after I leave.

My dad is not supportive at all. He is stubborn and does not agree with everything I mentioned. I have thought a lot about any possible help source before I fall asleep. I could not get any good idea. I was at a loss on how I can be a help for my mom in this situation to make her life to a better situation.

I slept through to 6 a.m. in the morning. Unlike my previous trip to Japan, this time my body does not suffer from a terrible jet lag. I enjoyed the quietness and peacefulness morning time for a while.

Unfortunately though, my quiet and peaceful morning did not last long.

Just past 7 a.m. in the morning, I heard a loud thud accompanied with an entire house shook. Then some seconds later, I heard my mom’s subtle voice calling my name and asking for help. I quickly climbed up the stairs and went into my parents’ bedroom on the second floor. There, I saw my mom laying down on the floor next to her bed.

I could not understand what I was seeing for a while. I need to shake myself back to the reality. I held my mom with my both arms and carried her on the bed.

She then told me what happened to her.

When she was walking to the door, her feet got numbed and could not support her body, so that she fell down on the floor. She was too weak to get up on her own.

I lost my voice for a while. It was shocking to me.

Another shocking fact was about my dad.

Regardless of the loud thud with the entire house shook, and although my dad was in his room on the same floor; on the second floor, he could not hear a thing. After ten to twenty minutes later since I carried my mom from the floor to bed, my dad finally came into the bedroom. He didn’t know about my mom’s fall down at all.

It was good that I was there to help my mom this morning. I felt scared by thinking what if the same thing happens when I am not in the house.

According to my mom, the same thing happened many times in last month. Since she has been sick and weak, and she fell down on the floor many times everywhere in the house; in the stairs, the bedroom, the bathtub, and the living room. At every time, although my dad was somewhere at home, he never noticed my mom’s accident right away. My mom had to wait for somebody such as a helper or a nurse to visit their house for some hours until they notice my mom in the ground and carry her back to bed.

There is a fact making the situation worse.

My dad recently broke the bones in his right wrist, and he has been wearing a cast for these past two weeks. Even if he notices my mom’s fall down on the floor, he would not be able to carry my mom’s body up because he is also weak as my mom.

***

After my mom calmed down from her fall down, I went downstairs and cooked breakfast for my parents.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and bought some food ingredients for them. I cooked thin brown rice porridge and miso soup contained grated vegetables. I also cooked some other side dishes that were easy to digest.

My mom didn’t have appetite at first, but as soon as she saw the healthy looking breakfast, her appetite was back. She finished all the dishes in her tray. She appreciated me for cooking the healthy food.

***

At 10:00 a.m., my parents had an appointment about the application form for Certification of Needed Long-Term Care. This is the certificate issued by the local City. The City takes up to one month to make their decision on the applicant’s rank of the demanding needs. If my parents are certified, some of the payments such as nursing-care products or helpers will be covered by the City. In my parents’ case, the City will cover 80% of the fee. 

Since my parents could not go to their office, one representative visited our house. My parents could have applied this certificate many years ago, but my dad had stubbornly refused their supporting offer for the application.

I believe every event happens for a certain reason. My mom’s fall down of this morning was supposed to happen while I was here. So, I told the application representative about the incident. Luckily enough, the representative knew the right person who can prepare any necessary nursing-care products such as handrails and supportive steps in the bath tub. She promised me to arrange the person and a handrail we can put next to my mom’s bed as a starter.  She also mentioned she would do her best possibly tomorrow.     

This application process was long and tiring, especially for the sick person like my mom. The representative person has to interview my parents individually with many questions. Their application process and interview finally ended after 12:00 p.m. We all were exhausted.

***

After we had a quick lunch, my mom asked me to take her the local credit union branch. My dad was at that time in the process of selling one of his real estates to my brother’s company, which used to be my dad’s company. For the process, my dad needed the official land title. My mom needed to open their safe deposit box to get the document.

We went to the credit union by taxi. My mom had a hard time to raise her feet in order to get in taxi. Everything I witnessed about my mom’s getting weak was shocking to me.

***

At the credit union office, when my mom handed the stamp to open the safe deposit box, the teller said in an apologetic tone that it was the wrong stamp. My mom looked very sick. She was reluctant to go back home to get the right stamp and come back to the credit union. I begged the director to let my mom open the safety box. The director accepted my request with one condition, only if I could bring the right stamp before they close the office. I accepted their condition.

Now, my mom was allowed to open the safety box. However, another issue happened. She could not find the right document in the safety box. My brother kept calling my mom about the document. He sent his accounting worker to the credit union. After all of us confirmed that the right document was not in the safety box, we decided to go back home.

The accountant, who is my brother’s employee, offered us a ride back home. She sent one male worker to the credit union.

I knew this male worker. He was my immediate junior staff when I was working for my dad’s company. We both were belonged to the sales division. I taught him my jobs for one year.

When he recognized me and greeted at me, I could not hold my tears back. I hid myself in the back of my mom. I could not greet him back looking into his eyes. I was secretly shedding tears in the back seat.

Again, my mom had a hard time to get into his car. I needed to carry her body by her bottom.

Once we arrived at my parents’ house, my mom went directly to lay down on the futon mattress on the first floor. I got the right stamp for the credit union’s safety box. I needed to return there to place the stamp in their document.

My previous coworker offered me another round trip to the credit union branch and my parents’ house. I could have walked there, but I gladly accepted his offer. It has been more than 20 years to see him, so that I wanted to talk with him. By then, I was calmed down. I enjoyed talking with him for a while on the way to the credit union.

My brother recently renovated his company building. It was just completed in September of 2019. I’ve never been to his new office building. My precious coworker offered to show me around the new building. I gladly accepted his offer again.

***

My brother’s new office building was a nice clean one. While the previous office building was a five-storied building, my brother made it to a three-storied building. It was covered by light blue glass windows. The entire building had lots of natural sun light.

I resigned my dad’s company at the age of 29, so it has been 21 years passed. While we had 40 employees at that time, now it is shrink down to 17 employees. The coworkers whom I knew were not there anymore, except for only three employees.

It was good to see my previous coworker again. I enjoyed our conversation. This conversation with him became one of the precious time for me in this trip. I appreciate his kind offer to give us a ride of two round trips. Also, I appreciate his showing me around my brother’s new office building.              

***

When I came back to my parents’ home, my mom was still sleeping.

***

In the late afternoon, I had a surprise visitor. It was my cousin. Since my cousin didn’t know of my visit in Japan, he was surprised to see me again. My cousin is 19 years older than I. When I was still a small child, he often visited our house. He was very nice and friendly. He often babysat my brother and me by playing with us. I liked him a lot. I haven’t seen him for many years. Maybe the last time we saw each other was when I was 35 years old. So, it has been 15 years of no-seen each other.

***

My cousin came by his car. I wanted to go to the local curry restaurant. I could have walked there myself, but I wanted to talk to him in private, so I asked him to give me a ride to the restaurant. He gladly accepted my request. He also wanted to talk to me.

My mom often talked about him. In last June, when both of my parents were hospitalized in turn, my cousin visited my parents’ house often and helped my parents a lot. He escorted my mom to the hospital. He brought back trashes from my parents’ house and took them out in his local area.

My cousin and my mom grew up like siblings when they were still small. My grandpa, my aunt and uncle and their child (my cousin), and my mom had lived in a same house. My mom and my cousin are ten years apart. My mom often told me my cousin is like her little brother. My mom had taken good care of my cousin as her little brother. My cousin told me now it is his time to repay all the love that he has received from my mom. I was so happy to hear that. I appreciate my cousin for being nice to my mom.

***

Right before my departure of this trip, I checked the one week weather report for the area of my parents’ house. It said we would have rainy days all the week. However, it turned out different. We had a very hot and sunny day today. The evening news reported that today’s temperature was the record high for the first time in 104 years for the end of January. I guess I have brought a sunny day with high temperature from my current hometown; Arizona. I enjoyed the hot sunny day today.

It started off as a good day. I spent all day with my parents. My parents looked happy to have me back to their house. It was as if three of us time-traveled back to our younger years when I was still a small child living with them in the same house. I felt good about my visiting them by myself, instead of bringing my daughter with me.

***

They started hiring a professional house helper since last June, when both my parents had to be hospitalized and have a surgery for their cancer. I never met nor talked with the helper in person.

Today I finally could meet her and got to know her personal life. She was 58 years old. She is happily married. She and her husband have four boys, and all of their sons are grown up. She works efficiently and has been helping my parents a lot. I appreciate her sincere and polite attitude toward my parents. We exchanged LINE address, so that we can communicate for the future.  

***

While I was talking with my mom, I got so emotional, but I was still successful to hold my tears back. I didn’t cry all day today.

In last month; December 2019, my mom’s health condition had been very, very bad, to the point where she thought she would die. That pushed her to do whatever she had to prepare for her death.

First, she bought a funeral dress for me so that I won’t need to worry about the funeral outfit.

Second, she specified her preference of her own funeral in details. She wants her funeral to be very simple in a minimum scale. She doesn’t want to invite a whole bunch of people; just limited to only small number of adults whom she was close to. She doesn’t want to invite any children and young people, because attending a funeral is tough for them. She wants to have a back ground music of Hawaiian aloha relaxing music. She wants all the attendees of her funeral to be happy, as she will be released in the safe place in spirit at the time of her funeral.

Third, she mentioned about their new grave.

***

My dad gave me more detailed information about the grave.

They recently bought a new gravestone and the land for themselves. It was real recently as of last month; December 2019. The cemetery is located on the street across my graduated elementary school. It is also located on the street across my dad’s company.

I was in a complicated feeling to hear this news, due to two reasons.

The first reason is about my mom’s preference. It is against of her preference.

In my last visit of Japan, my mom clearly mentioned she did not want to be buried in the graveyard. She asked me to take the same procedure of her father. Her father; my maternal grandfather, was the last person who held his family name. He had three daughters, and all of them married and changed to their husbands’ family names. He didn’t have his family grave. My mom decided to keep his ashes in the ossuary of her favorite temple. Since 1981; the year my grandfather passed away, my mom has repetitively paid for the following 10 years’ renew fee to the temple. My mom told me she recently paid for another 10 years’ renew fee. After my mom passes away, she wants me to let go of my grandfather’s ash. The temple will take care of it as a group ash. So, her preference was to keep her ashes in the same temple with her dad for the first 10 years, and after the 10 years, just let the temple to take care of it as a group with others.

Obviously my mom was not happy for my dad’s purchasing their new grave. As his daughter, I know my dad always decides everything without discussing with my mom or us; his children. He has been a typical autocrat in this family.

They also bought their “戒名”. It is pronounced as “Kaimyo”. It is a Buddhism name engraved on one’s gravestone. There are some ranks in Kaimyo. My dad bought theirs at the highest price. He didn’t mention the exact price, but I guess it costed them more than two million yen for their Kaimyo. As for purchasing Kaimyo, I have my own opinion, but I am going to refrain from sharing it here to avoid offending some people. All I can say here is I am not going to buy my own Kaimyo.

***

Purchasing a grave is good and bad.

My paternal side’s family grave is located in his hometown, where is in the isolated rural area. I don’t remember how I can get there. All I remember is it takes many hours to get there, through several public transportations. Or another option to get there is by a car, but unfortunately I don’t know the address. I don’t remember the direction at all. And I don’t know my uncle’s or my cousins’ contact information. My dad prohibits me to contact them anyway. It is a long story that I will share in some other opportunity.

So, the good thing is now my parents’ new grave is located in their current hometown, which is easy access to me.

However, the bad thing is the new responsibility. My brother and I, and additionally our decedents in the future, will automatically bear the responsibility to keep the grave. Somebody has to take care of it, by occasionally visiting it, cleaning it, and paying for the renew fee. Again, in my personal opinion, I don’t want to be buried in a grave because I want my decedents to be free from any responsibilities. But it is just my personal opinion, and I am not going to argue about this with anybody. I respect everybody’s different preference and opinion.

***

Another biggest news for me was about my condominium. When I left Japan twelve years ago, I could have sold it with around five million yen according to the realtors at that time. My parents prevented me from selling it, because they feared of my getting divorced and coming back to Japan. My parents bought it off from me and paid the remainder of my mortgage payment of five million yen on behalf of me. We changed the owner name from me to my mom’s name. Since then for 12 years, the condominium kept vacant. On the latter half of last year 2019, they finally put it for sale, but no luck in selling it. Last month, December of 2019, they decided to sell it in a very low price to the realtor company. I was shocked at the sold price. It was only one million yen, which is amazingly low price. However, all in all, I am glad that they finally got rid of my condominium. For the past 12 years, they had been paid the land tax and monthly management fee for the vacant house. Now they are completely free from all the responsible payments. I felt relieved to hear this news.

***

My dad has been in the process of tidying up of his real estates. He used to own many real estates in different areas, to the point where no other family knows about it. Starting last year, he has sold many of them. At this moment, he shrank down to only three real estates. I appreciate him for simplifying his real estates.

***

This trip was different from my previous ones. In my last visit of March 2019, my dad was not ready to talk about his death. He got mad at me to talk about his death and inheritance. Now he has changed from last visits. He openly talked about his death and our inheritance.

I mentioned about my brother. Before I moved to America 12 years ago, my brother asked me to sign the document that I would discard my right of inheritance. I didn’t sign it because it was against of my parents’ preference. My brother has not changed about his desire. Even recently he asked my mom to omit me from inheritance sharing. He wanted to inherit everything all to himself, not sharing it with me. I talked about it with my parents. Both my parents want my brother and me to share equally. They firmly told me not to discard my right of inheritance. I was glad to hear this from them. I never could talk openly with my parents about this topic.

***

My mom’s health issue started in June 2016. My mom begged my dad to stop smoking inside the house. My dad rejected my mom’s request. After their long discussion, my dad finally agreed to smoke only in the second floor. He agreed not to smoke in the first floor, where my mom stays almost all day in the kitchen and living room. That was what I heard from my mom years ago.

Sadly my dad didn’t keep his promise. Right after we had dinner, my dad started smoking in the living room on the first floor. I got after him about his breaking his promise. He yelled back at me.

My good day ended with a terrible argument with my dad. I am sad that my dad is not supportive for my mom. If he really loves her and cares for her, he would have completely stopped smoking long time ago. I am sad to know how stubborn and selfish my own dad is.

The international flight to Japan arrived at 3:25 p.m. We arrived one hour earlier than their scheduled arrival time.

All the passengers needed to wait for a quite long for our suitcases come out in the turntable. The custom process went through simple and fast. When I finally came out from the airport, it was past 5 p.m.

From there, I needed to go through the tiresome process before arriving at my final destination.

I needed to wait in the long waiting line of limousine bus, walk to the JR station with a carrying suitcase, buy a train ticket, and climb up and down a whole bunch of stairs to the station ticketing area to the train platform. From the closest train station, I took a taxi to my parents’ house.

I arrived at their house around 7 p.m. When I entered the gate and walked through to the entrance door, my dad was there opening the entrance door for me.

My mom was sitting at the dining table chair. She apologized for not walking to the entrance. She looked very sick and exhausted.

I naturally hugged my mom and dad. They seemed to be very happy to see me again.

Before my departure, I told my mom not to worry about my dinner of my arrival day. I was planning to buy something, such as a bento box on the way to my parents’ house, but I didn’t have any opportunity to buy anything. I was exhausted anyway so that I didn’t have any appetite for dinner.

After took a bath, I had a glass of sake, and went to bed.

My pocket Wifi has arrived at my parents’ house in the morning. The setup was easy and simple. Before I fall asleep, I sent a message to my husband and daughter through LINE that I arrived safely.

It was a long tiring day. I left my house in America at 4 a.m. and I arrived at my parents’ house at 4 a.m. in Arizona time. It took me 24 hours from door to door. I truly realized how far I moved away from my parents’ house.

I am glad I arrived safely.

My family and I work up at 3:00 a.m., and left for the airport at 4:00 a.m. They gave me a ride to the airport. It is usually the opposite. I give my husband a ride to the airport for his business trip. This time is the other way around.

I took two flights; one domestic flight and one international flight. Both flights were almost empty. I could comfortably use the vacant seats all to myself.

While waiting for the international flight at the gate, the workers kept calling a passenger. His name was “Michael Jackson.” His name was called more than five or six times. I guess everybody thought exactly same as I did. “He’d better hurry up and go see the worker now.” 

The flight from America to Japan is always tough as the airplane proceeds against the wind. It takes longer than the opposite direction. From America to Japan, it takes 12.5 hours, but in opposite direction of from Japan to America, it takes 9.5 hours.

In the international flight, I watched three Japanese movies.

First movie: コンフィデンスマン. It was a comedy movie of fraud group. It was a funny movie and I laughed a lot.

Second movie: 今日も嫌がらせ弁当. It was a movie of a mother and a teenage daughter. This movie made me cry because it talks about the relationship of a mother and a daughter. It was a pretty good movie, and I liked it very much.

Third movie: 町田君の世界. The main character is a boy who is a high school student. His pure and kind actions stimulated the people around him into a nicer and kinder way. I liked this movie too.

I enjoyed watching these movies, but from time to time, my conscious traveled around here and there, thinking about this trip to Japan. I cried from time to time in the airplane.  

It was a super busy and tiring day.

I woke up 5:20 a.m., and left for the grocery store. After I came back with a whole bunch of grocery for my family during my trip to Japan, I organized the food neatly in the refrigerator, the freezer, and the food cabinet.

I prepared breakfast for my daughter and escorted her to the school bus stop. After that, I cooked some stock foods for them for the week that I am away from them. I kept them in the freezer.

I made some phone calls with the travel agency and purchased a round trip airplane ticket to Japan departing tomorrow and coming back one week later.

I did some research about cell phone and Wifi that I can use during my trip. I decided to purchase a pocket Wifi that I can rent in Japan for one week. It was my first time to use the poket Wifi, so it took me some time to read through their procedure and prices.  

In the early afternoon, I went to my daughter’s school to escort her to the library.

After came back home, for just one hour, I talked with my Japanese friend through the online chatting app. I mentioned her about my flu. I seldom catch a cold, but I recently caught a flu and just recovered from the symptom. My friend told me it was understandable. We have such an unexpected and huge discharge from our body as a part of process of life transition. I agree with her. I am facing at one of the baggiest life changing transitions.

After the conversation with my friend, I quickly drove to the library to pick my daughter up.

Then I cooked dinner for everybody.

After dinner, my family and I went for our regular exercise walk.

After the bath, I finally finished packing for the trip.

We all went to bed at 8 p.m., but nobody could fall asleep right away. We all were feeling nervous about my trip to japan. Since my daughter was born, I was never away from my family, even only one night. It will be totally new to all of us family of my leaving away from my family for one week.

My daughter and I cried for a while for feeling lonely and anxiety of missing each other.

At the same time though, we both knew we would be okay. We will grow mentally through this experience.

I have been thinking of my mom for this past one month. I kept sending her a message through LINE app. Although I saw all my messages were read by her in LINE app’s feature, my mom hasn’t replied back to me since December 25^th; Christmas Day, where she sent me a short message, that she has been very sick.

I could have called to my parents’ house. My dad would answer the house phone. I could not do so, because I was too scared to hear from my dad about the serious health situation about my mom.

***

This morning my mom changed the situation.

When I woke up, I noticed one new message on LINE app. It was from my mom. She said she would call me at 10 a.m. in her time, which will be 6 p.m. in my time.

I got so scared to hear from her about what was going on with her. But at the same time, I knew I should know the current situation on what was going on with her. I have to face the truth.

***

At 6 p.m. in my time, I was on the phone with my mom.

As soon as I heard my mom’s first voice, I could not stop my tears falling down on my cheek. Her voice sounded very weak. She said she has been very sick. She was feeling she would not live long due to her cancer.

Previously in last year, whenever I offered my mom to visit and support her, such as in August and September of 2019, she would always turn down my offer. This time was different though. When I offered my visit and support, she instantly accepted my offer.

I realized how bad her health condition was. I am scared to face the fact, but I have to do so, for both of my mom and myself.

I went to the Vietnamese restaurant with my friend. There, we ate Pho; Vietnamese noodle soup. We enjoyed their food a lot.

As usual, my friend and I had a good time together.

I feel comfortable spending time with her. We have many things in common, such as in the same hometown and sun sign.

She is planning to move to a different city in next summer of 2021. I am definitely going to miss this get-together time with her.