I talked with my mom on the phone yesterday. I worried my mom would depart in any time soon. My family spirits answered to my concern. In my dream of this morning, a male figure told me that my mom is still alive. It also told me my mom would be fighting in this physical world for a while.

***

I came back to my house in America late at night of this Sunday. Today, almost one week has passed. Until today, my body had been still confused by the influence of jet lag.

In my recent trip in Japan, I never got constipation. I released healthy stool every morning at 6 am. That was good for me.

However, after I came back to my house in America, my regular habit was messed up for a while. I used to have a good habit of releasing healthy stool at 6 a.m. every morning. For the past five days the release time was changed to 2 p.m. of local time, which is equal to 6 a.m. of Japanese time.

This morning my regular habit finally came back. My body finally got over from the influence of jet lag from my recent trip.    

Before I left my parents’ house in my recent visit, they asked me to call them at least once a week. My Friday evening 6 p.m. is their Saturday morning 10 a.m. So, we set this as our regular conversation time.

When I called, my mom picked up the phone. The first word she said was my name. She was crying calling my name over and over again, just like a little girl.

She sounded exhausted. She told me she gets weaker day by day. Every day she faces at a shocking fact. Yesterday she could fasten a button, but today she could not do so anymore. In such way, every day, one by one, she adds up something that she used to be able to do, but now she can’t.

I remember at the last moment with my mom in their house. She called my name over and over again and cried. It sounded like a little girl calling her mom for help.

My mom does not have any memories of her mom. Her mom passed away when my mom was only five years old. Her mom got a heart attack and passed away right away from it. Since my mom grew up without memories of her mom, she projected her mom into me. This habit of hers got stronger as she got aged.

What my mom needs and asks for the most is a mother figure who can give her comfort.

Yesterday the subscription of my old website provider; SqueareSpace expired.

The pro about SqueareSpace is its user-friendliness and sophisticated function. I had used this company for four years since the beginning of 2016. Their customer support is excellent. They had been always very supportive. They made a short video using my webpage, so it was very easy for me to follow.

The con is its high price. I started my page using their business plan; upgraded plan. I paid about $200 per year. Since my business never went well since my establishment, last year I downgraded to their basic plan which I paid about $100 per year. It was still pricey for me as my main purpose of my webpage is only for blog. I never used my webpage for my actual business.

So, from this year, I wanted to choose the reasonable priced provider. WordPress offered the lowest price along with the discount coupon code. I paid $71.40 for 2 years subscription, which is $2.98 per month. I am totally happy with their price. I cleared up my concern about pricing.

Now, I need to face at the next and hard step; transferring all my homepage contents from my old provider; SquareSpace to my new provider; WordPress. This process was much harder than I thought. I needed to get used to my new provider.

***

P.S. I suffered from the transferring process for a while. After many conversations back and forth with their technical support, I finally started feeling comfortable in my new provider. It didn’t take me for more than one week. Now I am loving my new website provider for its great price and their helpful support members.  

Today is the last day of this homepage created by SquareSpace. Thank you for visiting my page.

I will transfer my page to a new platform in WordPress.

My homepage URL should stay in the same in the new platform. It should be ready to view from February 11th 2020.

I had been curious about a vibration platform for about two months or so. I finally purchased it online last month. The product was delivered on January 22^nd, just one day before when I talked to my mom on the phone. Since the product’s arrival, I had spent extremely busy days for the following two days, then the next day, I was already in the airplane to Japan. So, my new vibration platform has been waiting for my return since its arrival.

The vibration platform has a wide range of prices based on its functions. The lowest price starts from $80, and the highest is more than $1,000. I was planning to buy a reasonable priced one; around $150, but after discussed with my husband, we decided to buy a high quality one. I agreed with him it would worse to pay extra for its good functions.

Our new vibration platform is a 4D Vibration Plate with Triple Motors manufactured by Bluefin Fitness.

From today I started using it. It is pretty good. I like it.

Last night my family and I came back from the airport. When we finally arrived at home, it was close to midnight. I was eager to take a long bath. My daughter joined me. We got out from the bath and dried our hair completely. It was already past 2 a.m. when we finally went to bed.

***

It was so nice to sleep in my own bed with my family.

*** 

This morning my husband and daughter needed to wake up early for their work and school. After I saw them off, I could have gone back to bed to get some more sleep, but I didn’t. It was a nice sunny day. I went to the backyard and sat in the chair with my barefoot. I needed to earth myself from the long flights.

***

My morning and afternoon went by so quickly. I did laundry, unpacked my luggage and put the items to the appropriate places, wiped off the luggage, cleaned the house, and cooked dinner. I actually enjoyed all the chores. Doing something at my own house was refreshing.

***

In the evening I talked with my Japanese friend through LINE app. She had been a great support me mentally during my trip. Since she is my lifelong friend, she knows my parents since we were 11 years old. She is the only and best person who has known my life very well, and so, she has given me the appropriate advice and encouragements. Without her continuing support during my trip, I would have collapsed from sadness and stress.

I truly appreciate her friendship.

Today was my departure day back to America. I prepared breakfast for my parents. The menu was as usual; healthy and digestive healthy foods.

***

There was one funny story about my dad. He is a white cane carrier and claims he is blind. But my mom believes his eye vision is gradually coming back miraculously.

After breakfast, I was washing dishes. I was using a small amount of water and washing dishes quietly. My mom was standing in front of me. My dad came to my mom. He probably didn’t see me that I was standing right in front of my mom. My dad was putting a giggling smile on his face. He whispered to my mom about me. He said my hair was real bushy and so, I totally look like an Indian. I busted into laughter. I told my dad I was there and heard it. My dad was surprised at my voice. He thought I was somewhere else.

Anyways, it proved my dad could see my bushy hair. That means he is not totally blind. I didn’t get offended by his comment. I took it as a complement. I am happy to look like an Indian. My soul is originally Native American anyway. One thing my dad does not know is a real Native American has a beautiful long hair, unlike my bushy hair.

***

In the morning I tried to put all my clothes including my pajamas in my small case, but all the fabric items got too fluffy and big to fit. The cardboard box I got from the store was too thin to hold securely my items during the rough treatments by airport workers. The cardboard box the house helper got me was sturdy but it was too small. I was struggling for the final packing.

My mom told me to go to their outside shed. She said I could take any bag or suitcase from there.

In their shed, I found a small carry case. I was delighted to find it. I brought it back to the house, but soon I found out the case did not contain enough space for my items. I brought it back to the shed. This time, I found a nice large sized suitcase. I was delighted again and brought it back to the house.

The suitcase was definitely a perfect size, but there was one problem. In the middle, there was a three digits’ combination lock. At first I thought my parents would give me the numbers. But they didn’t remember the combination numbers. My dad was standing beside me and gave me some ideas of the combination numbers. We tried their birthdays, phone numbers, house numbers, address, their favorite numbers, and so on. Nothing worked. My parents suggested to forget about the suitcase. I had no option but to listen to their suggestion. I brought the nice sized suitcase back to their shed.

By then it was already past 10 p.m. The house helper arrived at home. My cousin stopped by again. He was on his way to his business trip to Kyushu, but he wanted to see me at the last moment before I go back to America. It was nice of him.

My cousin was watching me struggling for packing. He went down to the garage and brought a bag from his car. He gave the bag to me. It was a huge sized cloth bag. It can contain anything, but it was so gigantic that my items will be broken by the time I get to America. Then, my cousin left for his business trip.

My dad couldn’t stop giggling by observing me packing. But he was the last person who gave me a wonderful option. He went to his room and brought back one cardboard box. This cardboard box was for moving; nice sized and sturdy. He gave the box to me. With his help, I could finally put all my items in the box. My packing was finally completed.

I regretted I spent almost all morning for struggling in packing. If I were good at packing, I could have spent my spare time for a peaceful time with my parents.

At the time of departure, I hugged my mom. We both started crying out loud. I advised her that she should do everything opposite from what my dad tells her to do. Doing so will reactivate her natural healing ability. The examples are chemotherapy and hyperthermia treatments. Without these harsh treatments, she can stay calm without harsh pains. I also advised her to listen to her body intensely. Whenever her body says it doesn’t need any food, then listen to it; not to eat anything. My dad and other people will keep telling her to eat to get better. The fact is opposite. I asked her to think back her own experiences. Whenever she ate too much, especially at restaurants, she got sicker. On the other hand, whenever she ate home cooking food moderately at home, her physical strength worked well for her. My mom totally agreed with me. She promised me she would do whatever she feels right for her body.

Around noon I called a taxi. My dad and the house helper came down with me to the gate to see me off. My mom could not come down. At the last moment, I hugged my dad and thanked him. I turned to the helper. I shook hands with and thanked her. Then I got on a taxi.

***

When I got on the taxi, I was very emotional and about to cry. But the taxi driver changed my mood. He probably sensed my emotional feeling, so that he started saying all the nice things about my mom. He said he has given a ride to my mom several times. He said my mom is a cheerful person. He always enjoys talking with my mom. I appreciated the taxi driver for his kind words about my mom.

I took the taxi all the way to the airport shuttle bus stop. It took us one hour ride and cost me 7,460 Yen. It was pricey but I am glad he was my taxi driver. He helped me to carry my two luggage in and out from the trunk. I was surprised for his kindness. The taxi driver said it is normal in Japan. I forgot about how kind and polite Japanese services are. I now am used to American services, which much lower quality than that of Japanese, sorry to say my honest feeling. The taxi driver was a very funny man. He made me laugh a lot. He resembled to one of my favorite Japanese manzai comedians; Ina-chan.

***

From there, I took the airport shuttle bus to get to the airport.

***

In the morning I received a notice from the airplane company that my international flight will be delayed by 2 hours and 30 minutes. The original departure time was 6:10 p.m., but their new departure time was 8:40 p.m. I could have stayed little more longer at my parents’ house, but I needed to go to the airport counter to change my connection flight. 

***

The representative of the airplane company changed my connection flight. I was not happy with the flight. My original arrival time at my last airport was 5:06 p.m., but my new connection flight will arrive at 10:31 p.m. and I will have to wait almost six hours at San Francisco airport.

I contacted my husband and daughter. They said it’s still okay as long as I would go back home on the same day. They were right. I should be happy that I could see them within today.

***

After I checked in, it was still 3:30 p.m. I still have to wait another five more hours until the departure. I went to the Japanese noodle restaurant my mom recommended. I ordered a set of Japanese noodle and Katsudon (a deep-fried pork cutlet rice bowl). I enjoyed the meal very much. Then I went to a massage store and had a 30-minute relaxation massage. The female massage therapist worked on my neck, back, and shoulder, and calf and foot. I would definitely come back to these two stores for my next trip. I liked them very much.

***

Finally I got on the international flight. All the seats were completely full. My original seat was assigned at the window seat, but I could change it to an aisle seat. When I looked around all the seats were full, I thought it as a miracle that I could change my seat to an aisle one. I am definitely sure it was a support from my spirits and angels.

***

My international flight landed at San Francisco airport on time.

While we were waiting for the airplane door to open, I heard one woman standing in front of me was going back to the same final destination as mine. I started talking with her. I mentioned I too was going back to the same final destination as hers. I mentioned to her it was unluckily for us to wait for six hours for the next flight. She said her next flight was not that bad. She showed me her airplane ticket. Her connection flight would arrive 8:30 p.m., which was two hours earlier than mine. I showed my ticket to her. She asked me if I would feel comfortable in speaking English on the phone. I shook my head. She gave me her kind smile and said she would like to help me. We introduced each other. Her name was Vicky.

Vicky called the airplane company to change my flight to the same one as hers. Vicky explained nicely to the airplane representative. The representative needed to talk to me in person as a confirmation that I authorized Vicky to talk on behalf of me. Everything went well miraculously. The representative had only one seat available in Vicky’s flight. Vicky successfully changed my connection flight to the same one as hers. With her kind support, I could see my husband and daughter two hours earlier than the previous plan.

Vicky told me she had visited her daughter in Taiwan. She stayed there for three weeks. There, many Japanese people were nice to her and her daughter. Some Japanese people offered the similar help that she did to me. When she and her daughter had a tough time to communicate with store personnel or restaurant worker, some Japanese interpreted for them. Vicky was so impressed at the kind supports she received from Japanese people. She was happy to be able to pay the kindness back to Japanese by supporting me in return. It was happy to hear her beautiful story. I appreciate the Japanese people who supported Vicky during her trip.

***

Unfortunately our next flight was also delayed in its departure by one hour. Still, it was one hour earlier than my original flight.

I arrived at my final airport on 9:30 p.m. I saw my husband and daughter at the luggage turn table.

I run to them and hugged both of them. I cried for happiness to see them again.

I naturally woke up at 6 a.m. After I prepared breakfast for my parents, I went upstairs and checked my mom in bed. She was still asleep. I gently touched her face and body. She was in the normal temperature. I appreciate she was still alive.  

Around 8 a.m., my mom woke up. I was there at her bed side. I asked her if she was hungry. She said she was. I was glad to hear her appetite came back.

***

My parents didn’t have any appointment today. They wanted to relax at home.

Originally they had one appointment around noon. The nursing-care products representative was planning to come to install some nursing-care products. We planned to install a supportive step in the bathtub, another handrail for my mom’s bed, and some supportive items to make some thresholds with a different level into mild slopes to prevent my mom from stumbling. Also we planned to rent a walker for my mom.

However, my mom canceled this appointment two days ago; on Thursday. I found out the reason why my mom cancelled after I talked with my mom.

On that day she completely lost her memory of having met the nursing-care products representative on Tuesday. Even though we all decided these plans with my parents on Tuesday, my mom completely forgot all about that. Therefore, on Thursday when my mom saw the representative visiting our house for their request; to replace the bedside handrail from left to right for my mom and to change the bank account information for my dad, my mom thought she met the man for the very first time. She got mad at him because she thought the representative decided all the products by himself without my mom’s approval.

This morning my mom was calm. So, I told her the truth that we decided together and my mom agreed everything we discussed.

My mom got shocked that she lost her memory. She also got shocked she yelled the representative from her losing memory. I suggested my mom to call him and explain what happened to her, and sincerely apologize to him.

The representative was a thoughtful young man. He warmheartedly told my mom not to worry about him; it was totally fine with him. I appreciate him for being so nice to my mom. 

The representative offered my mom to reactivate the former appointment to install the products around noon, but my mom politely turned down his offer. She was still feeling tired from yesterday’s harsh treatment. She wanted to rest in bed without any visitors at home.      

***

My dad told me their grave was completed. He received a phone call from the grave company.

After breakfast, I walked to my parents’ grave. I took some pictures of all the four-sided gravestone. On the way back, I stopped by at a convenience store and bought Oden for my parents’ lunch.

***

I came back home from the grave and showed the pictures of grave to my parents. Then, I left for the beach by myself. I went to the sushi restaurant for lunch. I ate my lunch there and bought some to-go-boxes for my parents’ dinner. It was a clear sunny sky. The sun light’ shining on the ocean surface was gorgeous. I fully enjoyed my two hours’ walk on the beach.

***

When I came back home from beach, it was around 2:30 p.m. My mom was in bed.

I found out the living room’s light was turned off, where my dad always sits. The house helper told me the set of fluorescent lamps burned out. She said this set is a rare designed one so that the closest grocery store does not carry. We will need to go to the DIY store for a new set of lamps. My dad casually asked me to go there and buy a new set. I hated to hear that, because I was tired for the day. The DIY store is not located within the walking distance. I would need to take a taxi for the round trip. As the helper watched me being reluctant going there by a taxi, she offered me to give me a ride. I gladly accepted her kind offer.

It was Saturday afternoon, so the traffic was heavy. It took us almost one hour for the chore. It was fun though, to talk with the helper. She talked a lot about her private life; about her husband, sons, and one of their wife. Today was the last day I could spend time with the helper. When she was about to leave the house, I thanked her from the bottom of my heart for being nice to my parents and supporting them.

***

Let me talk about my brother. We are only one year apart so that we grew up like twin brother and sister. However, after his marriage, he has changed into a cold hearted person.

My mom didn’t tell my brother about my visit of this time. On my second day of this trip, I happened to pick up a phone call from my brother to my parents at home phone. My brother sounded to be surprised at my voice, but he never said any kinds words to me. Normal siblings would have asked me how I am doing or when I arrived and when to leave. My brother gave me no greetings; nothing.

Around 6 p.m., my brother showed up at my parents’ house. He went straight to my dad and asked for the land title for sales. My dad answered he still could not find it anywhere. My brother got after my dad for that. Also my brother mentioned about my dad’s younger brother being angry to my dad. Today my brother received a phone call from our uncle. Our uncle was mad about my dad’s purchasing a grave without telling him in advance.

After my brother complained about these two cases to my dad, then he turned to my mom and asked how she was. She answered him that she was very sick. My brother simply said he could see it. That was it. My brother left.

My brother had noticed my existence all the time, but didn’t say a word to me. I don’t know what is wrong with him. He has changed into a completely different person. He is now worse than a stranger. Even a stranger can be slightly nicer than him.

I noticed my brother and our uncle (my dad’s younger brother) are close; they are frequently communicating on the phone. I really felt myself being isolated from this family and relatives. I am nothing to them.

***

For dinner my mom could eat small amount of the sushi that I brought back from the restaurant. After I helped her for a bath, she went back to bed again. She had spent almost all day in bed.

I escorted her to the upstairs’ bed. I stayed there with my mom for a while.

I told her my honest feeling. I feel isolated from this family and relatives. I don’t want to attend funerals for my parents. My mom fully understood what I meant and she agreed with my plan.

My mom wants to pass away at home. She already mentioned about her desire to my dad and my brother as well as all the doctor, the nurses, and the helpers. All of them understood, except for my dad.

If anybody calls for an ambulance for my mom in the event of emergency, the doctor will try to extend her life with a CPR (Cardiopulmonary resuscitation). They will try to extend her life with all the feeding tubes. It is not actually living. My mom wants to avoid the situation at all costs.

I told my mom to communicate with her late dad and late older sister and ask them to come pick her up while she is asleep. If she has a heart attack or a seizure, my dad will definitely call for an ambulance. If she goes while asleep, my dad cannot stop it. It is the most peaceful way. I want to leave this world for my time. My mom agreed and she would do so. Then, she fell asleep.

I started packing my luggage for my trip back to America tomorrow. I had a hard time to put everything in, because I came here with only a small carry case.

***

Around 8 p.m. when both of my parents already went to bed, the entrance doorbell rang. It was my cousin. He came to visit me as he knew I would leave tomorrow.

I mentioned about my mom of last night that she was very close to the death line. I thought she would dye on me last night. He was surprised because he visited my parents yesterday right before my mom went for the hyperthermia treatment. My mom was not that sick at that time. We both agreed it was definitely the treatment that drained her physical strength.

My cousin started shedding tears. He is very kind hearted. He cares for my mom a lot as if she were his sister. He promised me to visit my mom as much as he can. He would leave for Kyushu for his business trip tomorrow and stay there for one week. He said he does not want to go. He concerned my mom a lot.

***

My cousin and I had a good talk.

He asked about my brother and his wife. He was wondering why they are such cold-hearted to my parents.

My cousin has been helping my parents a lot, especially in last June when both of them had a surgery for cancer. He went to the hospital almost every day to support my parents. During that time, he never saw my brother’s wife.

He saw my brother at the hospital once. It was my mom’s hospital release day. My cousin was supporting my mom with his one arm and some of my mom’s bags with his other arm. When my brother passed by them, even though my brother clearly saw my cousin, my brother didn’t greet or thank to my cousin. My brother complained my mom that even though he was super busy for his work, he needed to come to the hospital to listen from her doctor about the status as her family. My cousin couldn’t believe what he just heard from my brother. He was shocked on what a cold-hearted person my brother has become. But my brother didn’t say anything to anybody about it.

I didn’t know how rude my brother was to my cousin. I apologized my cousin on behalf of my brother for his rude attitude.

***

I thought I should share my life briefly with my cousin, because I believe it is related the reason why my brother has changed into such a cold-hearted person.

When I was 25 years old, I was young and brave; aka, naïve. I thought I could take over my dad’s position being a president of his company. That was how I entered to my dad’s company. When I started working at my dad’s company, I already regretted about my decision. It was so tough for me. I wanted to leave his company as soon as possible.

While I was desperately looking for a good reason for me to leave my dad’s company, I met one guy. We dated only for three months. And silly me, I decided to marry him. I thought a marriage might be a good reason for me to leave from the current situation.

However, through this marriage, I entered to another silly mistake. It was a stupid idea to marry somebody whom you don’t know well. After started living together, I noticed this man being abusive. I underwent a domestic violent from him every day. I could not tell anybody the truth. My marriage went by like that for the first one year. Then, my mom noticed my bruises all over my body.

After one year of our marriage life of living together, I moved to a new place and started living by myself. Getting divorced was not easy for me and my parents, because my parents had been clinging on to the old way of thinking. They believed a divorce as a taboo. My parents asked us to hide the truth. So, even though we didn’t love each other anymore, and we didn’t live together anymore, we needed to pretend to still be a happily married couple.  After we lived our separated life for eight months, my parents finally agreed us to officially get divorced and announce the truth.  

At that time, my brother was gentle-hearted one. My brother and I were very close mentally. He had witnessed me having a hard time at my dad’s company. He offered me to switch the position. He entered to my dad’s company to take over his position, and he told me I can leave the company and live my life freely. 

I appreciated my brother from the bottom of my heart, because right after I resigned my dad’s company, I started living my life freely. I started coming to America and met my husband in 1998. It was the beginning of my life in America.  

I honestly believe this is the main and root cause for my brother to be changed to a cold-hearted person.

***

Once my brother started working at my dad’s company, he went through much more tougher and meaner situation than I had. At that time he was still single. Many people criticized him for not being married at his age. I believe my brother went through the severe stress just like I had. Then he made the similar mistake that I made. He had an arranged marriage and married to a woman whom he had hardly known. And, since his marriage, he and I could never be the same as before. We seldom talked since then. My brother and I never had an argument or fight, but since his marriage, we haven’t talked for close to 20 years now. I am just feeling very sad for what happened to my brother. It might be as he planned before he was born. Who knows? As a human me, and as a younger sister of him, I just miss my brother who is originally good-hearted.

***

My cousin was surprised and shocked at my story.

In return, my cousin shared his life with me.

In his personal opinion, he is supportive to a divorce. He believes it is normal that people make a mistake. He believes when a marriage does not go well, they should get divorced as soon as possible so that they can find their right one on their next opportunity.

He said his dad got divorced once. He was a child of his previous marriage. Later, his dad married to my aunt. Therefore, my aunt is not his biological mother. I didn’t know about this at all. And, that means, my cousin and I are not biologically connected.   

He also shared with me another shocking fact.

He said his own marriage has been collapsed for many years. He and his wife are still married and they still live in the same house, but they don’t talk to each other at all for many years. His wife doesn’t cook anything for my cousin. He feels he lives all by himself in the house. He still obligates to bring the money for his wife and his three children. I didn’t know all of them, so I was so surprised at his truth.

***

All in all, it was great to have this conversation with my cousin. I appreciate him for visiting me tonight.

Last night when I was laying down on the futon mattress, I was thinking about my mom’s current situation; constipation for many days. The doctor asked her if she wanted to take one-night hospitalization as a mitigation measure of constipation. My mom firmly showed her desire on not to be hospitalized in any way. She would rather stay home.

I prayed to my spirits and angels for their support about my mom. During my prayer, my mind’s eye showed the image of my Reiki teacher’s smiling face. At first I was shy about contacting him, because I don’t keep in touch with him frequently. The last time I communicated with him was in 2014 about Reiki teaching. However, my mind’s eye kept on showing the image of him. Besides, I did need any helpful support by all means. I thought I should follow my guides to contact him.

So, I emailed my Reiki teacher. I explained my situation visiting my parents in Japan and my mom’s suffering from constipation for many days. I asked him if he could send the distant Reiki to my mom. I added my mom’s full name and birthday and location where she is right now.

After send him the email, I felt good and fell asleep right away.

***

This morning I naturally woke up at 6 a.m. For some reason, I was feeling good. I am glad I didn’t wake up sick like yesterday.

After I did a morning prayer to my spirits and angels as usual, I checked my emails on my cell phone.

The first email caught my eyes was the reply from my Reiki teacher.  

He said he already sent my mom the distance Reiki at 9:50 p.m. last night. I quickly replied back to him to thank him for his kindness.

I went to kitchen and prepared breakfast for my parents. Then I went upstairs to check my mom in their bedroom.

***

My mom was already awake, laying down on bed. When she noticed me, she sat up on bed and asked me to give her a back massage. She said, as the side effect from her many medicine pills, her spine area gets hurt and numbed. She said my massage was helpful to calm the pain down.

While I was giving her a gentle back massage, she shared her good news with me.

She had a wonderful surprise last night. She had a bowel movement three times during night.

It started around 10 p.m. When she got the nature call and went bathroom, she could release a healthy stool. She was amazed about it. Then, the second nature call occurred around 2 a.m. She released some hard and small stools like that of a bunny. The third and last one occurred around 7 a.m. She released a watery one. Although it was that of diarrhea and painful, it was helpful for her to release any unnecessary items from her bowel.

I listened her good news with tears. I was amazed. My Reiki teacher sent my mom the distant Reiki on 9:50 p.m. My mom’s bowel movement started 10 p.m. I definitely believe this was thanks to my Reiki teacher’s support. I mentioned about my Reiki teacher to my mom. She fully believed the power and thanked him.

***

Today would be a busy day for my parents. This morning at 9:30 a.m., my dad had two doctor’s appointments at the local hospital. One was a checkup for the broken bone of his right wrist, and the other one was a regular checkup for his diabetes and a follow-up checkup of the stomach cancer surgery of last summer. And this afternoon at 2:30 p.m., my mom had an appointment for her hyperthermia treatment.

They originally wanted me to escort them to all of their appointments, but they changed their minds. They saw me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, so that they offered me to spend a relaxing day by myself. They were right. I needed my alone time by now. From my arrival on Sunday night until now, I didn’t have my own alone time at all. I appreciated my parents’ thoughtfulness and gladly accepted their offer to take one full day off for myself.

***

I didn’t feel comfortable about my mom’s appointment of a hyperthermia treatment. As far as I have heard from the doctor and the nurse, this is a harsh medical treatment. It is a radiation cancer treatment and almost equivalent to a chemotherapy. This treatment might be help for a patient if s/he has enough physical strength to fight with such a harsh treatment. However, for a patient like my mom whose physical strength is at very low level, this treatment will be nothing but harmful.

From the previous experiences, my mom already knew this treatment would not be harmful, instead of helpful. Besides, the doctor and the nurse advised my mom to stop taking this treatment. When they advised, my dad was right next to my mom. Unluckily for my mom, my dad is very stubborn on his belief. Since he believes the hyperthermia treatment would be helpful for my mom, he insisted my mom to keep having the treatment. He ignored my mom’s desire to stop it. He also ignored the medical advice from the doctor and the nurse. He would not listen to anybody else.

Originally my dad was planning to stay at home alone in the afternoon. Their house helper was planning to escort my mom to the clinic for the hyperthermia treatment. I whispered to the helper and my mom and gave my advice. They should leave the house, but instead of taking the hyperthermia treatment, cancel the treatment and have some tea at a cafeteria to kill time, then come back home pretending she has had the treatment.

However, my dad all of a sudden changed his mind in the morning. He said he would go with my mom for the hyperthermia treatment. We didn’t know why my dad changed his mind.

Later on that night, I found out the reason why my dad changed his mind. The nurse told me what happened last night. The doctor called my brother and advised to cancel my mom’s hyperthermia treatment. My brother relayed the advice to my dad. The phone call fueled my dad. It made my dad much more stubborn than before, and that was why my dad decided to go with my mom to witness my mom would have the treatment.

***

I left my parents’ house right before they left for their appointments. I walked to the beach. There, I walked barefoot on the beach sand for a good one hour. It was beneficial for me. It was relaxing and calming. I could earth my overwhelming emotions to mother earth. It was a meditation as well as a conversation with my spirits and angels.

I was surrounded by warm and gentle energy. With the support of my spirits and angels, I focused on my dad’s soul with my unconditional love to him. I started feeling my dad’s emotions as if they were mine.

One possibility is that my dad might be suffering from mental sickness. He is the one who stays with my mom all the time. He has seen my mom’s getting sicker and sicker. He has witnessed my mom has gone very close to the death line many times so far. He has been feeling stressful and uneasy about my mom’s dying process. He has been feeling lonely and sad. He knows himself as useless when it comes to offering a physical support for my mom, as he is getting weak too. He is not good at expressing all his emotions with words. He does not have anybody to listen closely to him. Being stubborn and complaining for everything might come from his anxiety.

Another possibility is that he might have a senile dementia developing little by little. If he can receive the appropriate support for his mental health, he might get better in his mental state. For example, it might be helpful to have a professional counselor listen to my dad about all his concerns and worries and give him a warm big hug and gently stroke his back. I hope somebody in medical team will notice my dad’s mental sickness and treat him in an appropriate way.

During this trip, my dad yelled at me many times. There was one time I thought he was trying to punch me from anger. He scared me a lot. All of these might be his way to release his stress. It might be his way desperately asking me for support. Maybe I should put little more efforts and time on my dad, trying to listen to him, comfort him, and help him to release his hidden emotions.

***

After this meditation and conversation with my spirits and angels, I felt much better.

I had lunch at a Teppanyaki restaurant. I ordered a grilled yakisoba and ate it there. I ordered a grilled okonomiyaki to-go for my parents for their dinner.

***

In the evening after my mom came back from hyperthermia treatment, she looked very sick. After she ate some of Okonomiyaki, she wanted to take a bath. In the dressing room, she lost her conscious a couple of times, so that I needed to be very cautious by constantly supporting her body.

I instantly knew her getting very sick was due to the hyperthermia therapy that she had today. The nurse told me this therapy was too strong for my mom and drains her physical strength. The nurse told me about last Friday and Saturday. My mom had the same treatment on last Friday. When she came back, she got very sick. She spent a tough night from Friday night to Saturday. She could not sleep due to the severe nausea. She threw up many times but nothing came out because she could not eat anything since Friday morning. My mom asked the house helper not to call the ambulance. The helper called her office, and her office arranged some more people. The nurse came and two other house helpers came. They all stayed until late that night. One helper stayed the night at my parents’ house in case of their emergency need. The nurse thought my mom would pass away on that night. I was on my way to their house in the airplane. I didn’t know about this until I met the nurse. My parents didn’t tell me about that night. Maybe they didn’t want me to worry about my mom.

***

My mom wanted to lay down in bed around 7 p.m. In bed, she asked me to stay with her for a while. Her conscious was on-and-off. She started crying and saying thank you to me many times. Also she apologized me for her being mean in her younger years many times. All of her doings seemed that she was about to die on me. My mom saw people off at their death bed many times in this life; my dad’s mom, my mom’s dad, my mom’s older sister, my mom’s older sister’s husband, and our dog. My mom told me right before they cross the death line, all of them said “thank you” to my mom in their most gentle voice tone. The memory came back to me. I thought she was in the same situation about to cross the line.

I asked my mom not to go yet. I asked my mom to see me off on my return trip to America on Sunday. She heard me. She nodded to me. She put a smile on her face and told me “okay, I am not going tonight. I want to see you off on your back to America on Sunday.” Then she fell asleep.

***

I went downstairs and laid down on the futon mattress. I was overwhelmed by my anger toward my dad. I wanted to go to him and yell at him about pushing my mom to the hyperthermia treatment today. I wanted to yell at him about his still smoking inside the house. But I didn’t do any of them. At least now I know my dad is also suffering from all the stress. I just wanted to go back to my American home where my husband and daughter are waiting for me. This trip is just so hard for me to go through.

I had a sudden wake-up at 3:33 a.m. I don’t know the reason why. When I was back to the real world from dream world, lots of tears kept on falling down on my cheeks. I cried and cried. I could not stop crying for hours. I tried to get some more sleep until morning. I don’t remember exactly what time I finally fall back to sleep. I was extremely tired from crying and fell asleep from exhaustion.

I re-woke up at 7 a.m. I instantly noticed of my severe headache and nausea. I got out from the futon mattress and stood up. I felt dizzy and almost fell back down on the floor.

I took some deep relaxing breaths to calm myself down. In the bathroom, I notice my period has come. That makes sense of feeling dizzy. My headache and nausea were probably due to my crying of last night and not to mention, all the stresses that I had felt in this visit.

I went back to bathroom and threw up. No food came out. I threw up nothing but clear-colored water.   

When my mom came down to the living room, I mentioned her about my feeling sick. She felt sorry for me feeling sick. She told me stay in bed for a while.

***

At 8 a.m., the new house helper arrived at home. Today’s helper was different from the previous one. Previously only one helper would come 5 days a week; Mondays through Fridays. Now that my mom needs much more help than before, my parents recently started hiring one more helper so that they can cover all days of the week.

So, now the two helpers’ work shift is like this. One comes on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, and the other one comes on Thursdays and Sundays. On every Mondays and Thursdays, the helpers come to my parents’ house slightly before 8 a.m. for taking out trash to the designated place. The local City is very strict on the regulation of taking out trash. It regulates certain days and time for citizens to take out their trash.

I went out to the living room to greet to the new helper. She was different type from the other one. While the first helper works quickly and efficiently, the second helper works not as quickly nor efficiently as the first one. I am fine with both of them as long as they support my parents sincerely. I like them both helpers.

I introduced myself to the new helper. I also mentioned about my feeling sick. Then I went back to the futon mattress and had one hour nap. After the short nap, I recovered my health. I felt much better than the early morning.

***

At 11 a.m., my mom had an appointment with a nurse. The nurse was a petite young woman. She performed a medical checkup for my mom. When the nurse listened to my mom’s bowel by a stethoscope, she asked my mom if she had good appetite back recently. My mom happily told the nurse that owes me a lot through my healthy homemade food. The nurse told us her with her beautiful smile that my mom’s bowel was moving and working healthily today. She said it never happened to my mom for these past two months. She was happy for my mom that her appetite came back. I was happy to hear that.

After the checkup, the nurse whispered to me if she could talk to me in a different room in person. I whispered to her yes. The nurse got my parents’ permission to see the other room where my mom usually takes a nap in the day time. Then the nurse asked me to show it to her.

When we entered to the other room and shut the door, the nurse grabbed my both hands and started shedding tears. I shed tears too.

She was a pure and thoughtful person. She said my mom has already entered at the last stage of cancer. My mom will get weaker and weaker day by day. She wants to support my mom as much as she can, but in order to do that, she needs approval and support from her family. She said she works for the hospital where my mom’s doctor works. She said she wants me to see the doctor and discuss the best way for my mom. We exchanged LINE address. She said she would arrange a meeting with the care manager who will be assigned for my mom. Then, both of us wiped off our tears from our cheeks and went out from the room. She greeted my parents and left our house, whispering me she would contact me soon.  

***

After lunch, my mom asked me to take her to the local bank. This bank is located very close to my parents’ house. If I were alone, I would have walked there within 10 minutes. However, since my mom could not walk at all, we called a taxi to get there. My mom needed to pick up some items from the safety deposit box.

Luckily at this bank, unlike the credit union that we visited two days ago, the procedure to access to the safety deposit box was very simple. We didn’t need to wait in line to talk to the teller. We just went straight to the room and opened the room door with the specified card. When we entered in the private room, we used the card again and typed the box number. The deposit box automatically came out from the table. My mom opened the box with the key. This chore was done much quicker than I thought.

***

When we came back home, even before we opened the entrance door, we could smell the cigarettes. Obviously my dad smoked many cigarettes while we were gone in the living room on the first floor. When we entered in the entrance hall, the smell was really bad that we could not breeze normally.

My mom was feeling sick, so she went directly the room to sleep on the futon mattress. After I saw my mom fall asleep, I quietly closed the room door.

***

Then I went to my dad and got after him. All my anger toward my dad exploded.

My mom had an acute myocardial infarction in 2018 and a big surgery on her heart. The surgeon implanted some stents. The doctor told my mom to stay away from second smoking. The doctor also told my dad to completely stop smoking for her. Didn’t my dad agree with my mom on not to smoke on the first floor? Why he can’t keep his promise? Why does my dad still stubbornly smoke? It is a life or death situation for his precious wife. What is wrong with this man?

I yelled at my dad for all of those. My dad yelled back at me at the top of his lungs. He insisted his smoking is nothing to do with my mom’s bad health condition. No matter how hard I tried to talk to my dad in the soul level, my dad would not listen to me at all. I felt myself powerless.

I stayed outside of the house; in the front yard. I took off my socks and put my bare feet on the ground. I earthed myself for a while to calm myself down.

***

Earlier of today, I received a LINE phone call from the nurse. She wanted me to come to the care manager’s office at 3 p.m., so that we can discuss about my mom without my dad. She knew my dad would disturb anything in any ways.

I told my mom about our secret meeting. She knew very well about my dad being difficult, so she agreed with me to go there alone. My dad was nosy. Right before I left the house, he asked me where I was going and with whom I would meet. I just told my dad that I would meet my friend.

We had another appointment on that evening at 5 p.m. It was the male representative who deals with nursing-care products. He was coming to my parents’ house for two reasons. First reason was for my mom. My mom wanted to move the position of the handrail which was installed yesterday from her right to left. Second reason was for my dad. My dad wanted to change the bank account of withdrawal from the one he signed yesterday to a different one.

I told my mom about the male representative’s appointment at 5 p.m. In case I am late for the appointment time, my mom and dad can deal with him, because he was coming for them. He doesn’t need me for this appointment. My mom understood what I said.

***

I went to our secret meeting. The care manager’s office was near my parents’ house. It was just a 10-minute walk away. At 3 p.m., three of us; the care manager, and the nurse, and myself, gathered and started our meeting about my mom.

The nurse took a lead and started talking. My mom is at the last stage of her life. Her health would not get dramatically well from this stage. With that in mind, we have to discuss the best option for her. It is critical to hear the patient’s desire. My mom does not want to take any more medical treatments. The nurse agrees with my mom’s desire. She and the doctor believe no medical treatments will make my mom’s situation better. Besides, any medical harsh treatments such as chemotherapy and hyperthermia will take away her physical strength which is already at very low. We discussed about three options.

The first option is a mitigation measure to improve my mom’s current situation. My mom has been suffering from constipation for many days, which is draining her vital energy. With one night hospitalization, the doctor can temporary improve the situation, and this treatment will make my mom’s pain will be slightly calmed down. However, this is just a temporary measure and does not change the situation to any better.

The second option is to hospitalize at hospice for terminally ill patients. In this hospice care, the patients will not get any harsh medical treatments. They will freely live in the hospice room. In case of urgent needs, the doctor and nurse can give the patients some type of pain relief measures. The nurse believes this option is the best option for my mom due to the current condition. She knows about my dad very well by now. He constantly accuses my mom for not taking chemotherapy anymore. He frequently says negative words to my mom. He still smokes inside the house, which is definitely bad for my mom’s weak body. He still orders my mom to do some chores for him. When something happens to my mom; for example when she falls down to floor, my dad won’t be able to be any help for her.

The third and last option for my mom is to spend her final days peacefully at home. I know this is what my mom desires the most. For this option, my parents definitely need to hire more people at their home. Eventually they will need somebody to stay at their house 24/7, and it will cost them a huge amount of money.

The nurse wanted me to meet the doctor in person. Also, the nurse wanted to get more support from my brother. She never met nor spoke to my brother in person until this time. The nurse talked with the doctor on the phone and asked him to make some time to meet me, possibly on Friday night after he gets off from work at hospital. The doctor told the nurse that he would call her back. After they hang up the phone we needed to wait good for 10 minutes or so.

The doctor called the nurse back and told he could not make the time for me. Then, a couple of minutes later, the nurse received a phone call from my brother. While on the phone, I barely heard the nurse’s speaking. All she said on the phone was “Yes…” “I know that, but…” “Yes, I understand that.” Her voice stayed calm and polite all the time, but I noticed her both hands started shaking. I knew something was going bad.

 

After the nurse finished talking with my brother on the phone, she looked very sad and shocked. She turned to me and started talking to me. This time, not only her both hands but also all over her body were shaking very hard. With shocked and bewildered voice, she told me like this.

She had hoped to receive kind supports from my brother. She had hoped my brother would improve the situation for my mom. She had hoped my brother would be the right person to discuss the best option for my mom. However, she found out my brother was very similar to my dad. They are so stubborn on their opinions. My brother warned to the nurse in his cruel and strong voice tone that he was in charge of deciding everything about our mom. My brother and my mom’s doctor used to be the classmates in high school and they have been friends since then. The doctor cannot do anything without my brother’s approval. In this case, my brother does not think the doctor should meet me because I don’t live in Japan. So, my brother ordered his friend; the doctor not to make any time to meet me. Also, my brother ordered the doctor to shut the nurse up. After the nurse told me all of these, she started crying out loud. I could not hold my tears neither. We held each other tightly and cried for a while. Both of us felt sad. We felt ourselves as useless.    

One of the coworkers of the care manager knocked the meeting room door. She said my mom called to their office. The worker said my mom sounded furious at me on the phone. My mom wanted me to come back home right away.   

It was already past 5 p.m. Three of us decided to end our meeting. We all agreed that we would support my mom’s desire, which is to spend her final days at home. I will need my dad’s approval to hire more helpers and nurses to cover the current vacant time such as in the evening and night for my mom.

***

When I arrived at home, the male representative of nursing-care products was already at my parents’ house. When I entered in the living room greeting to the male representative with a smile, I instantly felt the cold air in the room.

Both of my parents were furious at me. To my surprise, my mom yelled at me for coming back late for the appointment. I didn’t understand the situation quickly. Before I left, I told my mom they don’t need to wait for me because he would come for my mom and my dad. I am nothing to do with this appointment. Obviously however, my mom seemed to forget about what I said earlier. I knew though, it was from my mom’s sickness. I held my mom and apologized to my mom. I also sincerely apologized to the male representative for everything.

I figured out what happened to him while they were waiting for me. My parents were mad at him for deciding everything without their approval. They yelled at him and tried to chase him out. When I came back. My parents’ anger switched from him to me. They blamed my being late for the appointment. Both of them totally forgot about the fact. He came based on their request, and they didn’t need to wait for me for the procedure.

He completely understood the situation. He gave me a warm smile at me and told me not to worry. Then the male representative left my parents’ house. When I went outside of the house to open the entrance gate for him. I apologized him again for my parents’ rude attitude. I looked at his face. I saw his eyes with tears. He told me not to worry about him. He also said he fully understood the situation. We didn’t hug each other, but we both felt we completely understood each other. I could feel his sincere heart by his warm energy.

***

After the male representative left, I helped my mom for taking a bath. My mom definitely needs support for taking a bath. She cannot get in and out all by herself. After her bath, I prepared dinner for my parents.

***

Before both of my parents went upstairs to sleep, I asked my dad about hiring more helpers for my mom during evening and night, as she needs support for taking a bath and preparing for dinner. My dad got mad and started yelling at me. He insisted he would decide everting all by himself and he does not need any of my suggestions or opinions. He told me in his cussing words to shut off. He was yelling at the top of his lungs. He was about to approach me to grab me. I thought he was planning to punch me. I was able to avoid his approaching, but it was shocking. I was at the place where I almost completely lost trust to my parents. I wanted to leave this place right away. But I didn’t do so. I still love them from my heart.

***   

I was completely exhausted mentally and physically. Everything I have experienced and witnessed during this visit was too tough for me to handle.

How can I touch to my dad in the soul level? How can I be help for my parents? I am doing my best, but it seems I will be never enough for them. My dear spirits and angels, please help me. Please let me be my parents’ help.